What I’m Reading
Jan
3
Someone Call a Doctor
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I’m pretty certain that if a zombie apocalypse ever occured, it would begin with some sick fool deciding he absolutely must go in to work that day even though he felt (quite literally) like death. So this sick dope would drive to his office because, god knows, those spreadsheets don’t type themselves, and the next thing you know he’s biting a co-worker’s face off. It’s all downhill from there, really. At the end of the day all the zombies at the office would head home for dinner, inevitably biting everyone else they encountered on the way, until I’m the only one left running for the nearest Wal-Mart so I can shoot those damn fool zombies.
How do I know this? Because my co-workers do it all the time. Maybe it’s not the Rage virus that they’re spreading, but do you think I want that flu, or cold, or fever, or stomach bug? No, I do not. Please keep your nasty sick self home, co-workers, and if you absolutely MUST come in to school, please stay the hell out of my office. Please and thank you.
Actually, scratch that. There is no reason that anyone MUST come in to school after throwing up all night. The children will be just fine if they learn what an adverb is tomorrow rather than today, and even better, I won’t spend the night puking my guts out after you breathed your germs down my neck. And you know what? If you’re a substitute teacher? I should have the right to punch you in the throat if you come in to school sick. You are supposed to fill in for the sick, not create more of them.
The stupid old man substitute- the one with the lisp and the penchant for asking me questions that cause me to wonder how he found his way to the school at all- is currently sitting at a table in my library, wheezing so badly I don’t know how he hasn’t passed out. He has one of those deep coughs that boom out of your chest and sound like they come straight from the depths of your diaphragm. And at the end of each cough he punctuates it with a whine, like he’s in terrible pain, and you know I might almost feel sorry for him if I wasn’t so pissed that he’s out there coughing his nastiness into my space. Stay home, dude. Or next time I might just pretend you have the Rage virus anyway, just so I can be rid of that coughing noise.
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18 Responses to “Someone Call a Doctor”
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Gross. At my husband’s school, the teachers take sick days at the drop of a hat, thank goodness. Their administrators apparently promote some sort of preventative maintenance idea in exchange for being jerks, but at least it helps cut back on the contagion.
Is wearing a mask over your nose/mouth unprofessional? Or squirting people with Purell?
I can only think of two reasons why people come to work when they’re sick. One is that they don’t have any sick or vacation time to use, which is really the fault of the employer for not adequately accommodating the human needs of their employees, unless it’s an extreme case. The other is an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance. I think the latter is the issue more often.
RA- That is the best idea ever. I am going out this afternoon to buy a squirt gun and I am filling it with Purell.
Jess: Yes, it’s definitely the latter. We get 20 sick days a year, they’re certainly not stingy with them.
Word. People around here come into work sick and then insist on licking their fingers before they touch the papers they are about to hand to me. This pisses me off when they’re healthy let alone carrying some nasty contagion in their saliva! F!
Well…I haven’t been sick enough to feel the need to use a sick day for myself in about 3 years, and that was from a very painful corneal ulcer. It hurt to keep that eye open. Have I had some colds? Yep. Do they prevent me from working? Nope. Really, with most viruses you are most contagious before you have that first sneeze. That’s the first reason I don’t call in – I feel well enough to work. I don’t need to be at home to cough and sneeze. I cover my mouth appropriately and wash my hands very frequently.
Second reason – Office politics. Who needs 85 dirty looks the next day when you called in and really could have worked anyway. If I felt THAT bad I would stay home, but if I don’t, I won’t. And I seldom do.
Third reason – While I have adequate supply of sick time, I prefer to reserve it for time my son needs to stay home. But even he doesn’t have to (or want to) stay home because he has a cough or sneeze. He generally feels well enough to play, and daycare dictates that vomiting or a fever are the only reason a child NEEDS to be home (other than Chicken Pox or something like that). Coughing and sneezing ailments are out there all the time. We won’t keep them away by staying home. Look at any daycare – Half the kids have a runny nose at any given time. If all those kids stayed home for a runny nose, no one would ever be able to go anywhere.
Sorry for the dissenting opinion here…I just cover my mouth/nose, wash my hands, and keep my germs to myself the best I can.
Oh, and the finger licking before turning pages – That grosses me out! It’s so unnecessary, too. If you’re having trouble separating the pages, just give it a few seconds…They will separate!
We’re all kind of ticked at work right now because a co-worker has taken sick days every day this year. After he took some random vacation during the holidays, that is. But then again, I’m so happy to have him gone rather than wheezing his way through the day and asking me where his excel documents went to. And yes, the Purell, it sits here next to my phone and is getting quite a workout.
do i hear the beginnings of a zombie movie/story/novella here?
PRAISE THE LIZ-ORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NPW, you rocked my socks right off with this one! I’m nodding along while reading, as though I’m one of those damn bobble head dolls.
But bobble head dolls don’t GET sick. Bastards.
ok this post had me laughing from beginning to end. i was picturing a ’shaun of the dead’ moment at your school. ever seen that movie? freakin hilarious.
Just start wearing a surgical mask all the time. People will get the picture. Maybe you can even get the kids to start wearing them too.
A lot of medical offices have notices outside that if you are sick and want to come in, you have to wear a mask and wash your hands. Perhaps you can set up a hand sanitizing station and buy some masks to put outside the library?
OMG! For serious, right? Nothing is so important that you can’t just GO HOME and die quietly. Kthx.
Eww. Sick people are gross. Hope you don’t catch it! I would start sucking on some vitamin C just in case.
I completely zoned out after “zombie apocalypse”. God, I fucking love zombie movies.
Speaking of which, I really need to do my “Birthday of the Dead” rewrite so I can include your character. Then kill her off spectacularly.
That first paragraph beats all of the ridiculous theories my overactive imagination has churned up, hands down. I love the way your mind works, NPW.
mickey: Umm, eww. Maybe you should start licking all the paper first so that they won’t touch it at all.
3cs: At least you’re considerate of your fellow co-workers!
Noelle: Yeah, I would rather have people out sick all the time than get their airborne illness. Of course, people being out usually doesn’t affect my work at all, so…
erikka: mayhap!
Michelle: Seriously- in schools it’s the worst because the kids AND the adults are sneezing all over you. Gross.
MatC: I love me some Shaun of the Dead.
courtney: Hmm. Maybe after I have tenure I can start in with the sick-free school campaign?
Kate: I like it! I’ll have a little handwashing station. Or you know, the Purell squirt gun idea has its merits as well.
Kiraa: Ha! “Die quietly.”
rye: It’s pretty inevitable that I catch something, I suppose.
Aaron: Yeah, maybe once you write me in I’ll actually read it. Ha!
Stefanie: Hee… is it bad that I didn’t even see anything strange about that paragraph until other people pointed it out? I’m glad you enjoy my madness.
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