What I’m Reading
Mar
7
Humbled
Filed Under Uncategorized
Well hey there. I know it’s been a while since I’ve dazzled you with my wit and brilliance, but I’ve been in some kind of funk the last week or so and I did not want to bore you with the details. More precisely, I could not pinpoint any real reason for being down. So, in the time-honored tradition of women world-wide, I am going to blame it on hormones. Down with estrogen!
Anyway. I was freaking myself out the other day, thinking about how there are periods of my life that seem very surreal, even while I am currently living in them. Kind of like I’m just floating along, still living and functioning in society, still able to carry on a conversation, but my mind is just persistently elsewhere. It’s a nagging feeling like something is missing, and my brain is searching for it, but since I don’t know what it is that’s not there I’m always just struggling and failing. Sounds heavy, right? It seems so melodramatic to write it out that way, but most of the time that surrealism exists separately from my life and I am able to ignore it. Sometimes denial saves me.
So because I’ve been freaking myself out by thinking about how I am just floating along in life and not consciously trying to make things happen, I had quite the grounding experience last night. I volunteered to help serve food in a homeless shelter on one of Boston’s harbor islands. In fact, the facility used to be an asylum for people with mental health issues, people with incurable diseases like leprosy, and a drug and alcohol lock up. It is the hospital on which Dennis Lehane based Shutter Island, and it is as creepy as it sounds. No one lives out there on the island. The buildings look exactly like what you would imagine a deserted insane asylum might look like. You have to go through a guard station to get there, and over a long oceanic aqueduct to arrive at a compound of buildings you might see on America’s Most Haunted.
Let me tell you, when we arrived to find more than a hundred people waiting in line for what was probably their only meal that day, I was squarely present in my life.
The city of Boston buses over four hundred people out to that island every night, and buses them back into the city in the morning. What do they do during the day? Some of them panhandle, sure. But according to the shelter director, more than 30% of them have full time jobs. These people work forty hours a week at minimum wage and cannot afford to live. The saddest part to me was that these people truly had nowhere else to go. I cannot imagine a situation in my life that would leave me with absolutely nothing and no one to turn to; there would always be someone willing to take me in, no matter what. I know this, and I am grateful for it.
At the end of our shift the director of the facility took us on a tour. It was pretty uncomfortable for me to walk through the rooms with all the bunk beds set up, where people were lying on their cots with all their clothes and jackets on. It felt too voyeuristic, a bit like looking at caged zoo animals, and I felt that those people deserved a little more dignity than a bunch of gawkers poking through the only private time they get during the day. We also grabbed cups of fake coffee (called Javo, one of the men with blood all over his face snortingly pointed out) and sat with some of the people while they were eating dinner. One woman immediately launched into a story about how she had just that day beaten up another woman who was sleeping with her fiance, whose baby she was currently carrying. Her three other babies were all in foster care, and she had forgotten to take her meds, and at various points throughout this story she paused to sob loudly into her mashed potatoes.
Here’s the thing. I know this woman was probably happy to have someone just listen to her for once, but I still felt awkward, like I was suddenly supposed to take on the role of life counselor. Really, what do I say to a pregnant homeless woman with a four-inch long gash on the side of her face that doesn’t sound trite? “Buck up, tomorrow’s another day!” doesn’t quite seem to cut it. So I just sat and listened. And at the end of the night she stood up and said, “Hey, thanks for making me laugh. I really needed that today,” and shoved as many pieces of bread into her pockets as she could.
And then I went out to dinner with my friend and had a beer and thought about how grateful I was to be able to sleep in my super comfy bed with the heat cranked up. My life may have its issues, but it’s still pretty damn good. Lesson learned.
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14 Responses to “Humbled”
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I get reminded of the reality of things a lot from my job. I’m coming to realize that people have the ability to put up with a lot, it’s just that some versions of “a lot” are things that we can never imagine.
I get reminded of that everyday at my job as well. The divide between us and them is shockingly large and easy to forget about.
I think it’s frightening how easy it is to end up homeless and hungry.
Thanks for writing this.
Awesome post. It should make everyone who reads it stop and think about a lot. I’ve often thought about volunteering at a soup kitchen but then I get busy with my own stupid stuff in life that doesn’t really seem that important after I’ve read your post. I know I don’t technically know you, but I’m proud of you. I hope that doesn’t sound weird.
Thanks for the perspective. We tend to forget how good we have it a little to easily.
And Boston- Weird way of dealing with homelessness, but at least you’re doing something.
Wow. That’s amazing. So great that you went out there to help. It’s amazing what some people struggle with on a daily basis, isn’t it? So easy to forget that.
well didn’t that make me feel a bit selfish. So many people have nothing…how frightening some who work a 40 hour a week job cant afford a place to sleep that is their own…or no family or friends to turn to. I guess I will do my part to help out as well. But not at that place you went to…creepy.
Wow. It is definitely humbling to think about what others deal with on a daily basis. I get that weird lost feeling sometimes too, and it sounds like it was good for your mood and for the woman who just needed someone to listen.
Wow. This was one of the best posts I’ve ever read. Good for you for going & then truly appreciating all that we have (when it’s so easy to take things for granted day in & day out!)
It is amazing how much perspective you can get from doing something like this. I hear my neighbors bitching so often about the homeless shelter in our neighborhood, and I want to scream at them to go check out the shelter themselves and see what it’s like. Maybe they’d sing a different tune.
And you’re right, aside from a good meal and affordable housing, more than anything people just need someone who will listen to them and not judge them.
that is a serious reality check. but remember that your feelings are valid no matter what your situation. there will always be someone worse off, and someone better off. you still have a right to be in a funk and feel however you feel at the moment. hugs
This was really well written, NPW. It helps put my last week into perspective. It sucked but at least I do have an apartment that I love. Others have the sucky work week and no place to call home.
Definitely one of the most moving posts I’ve read in a long while…..
AMEN NPW.
But this just makes me not want to see that movie more