What I’m Reading
Oct
25
You Are All My Witnesses
Filed Under Choose Your Own Blogventure
As soon as I start to let my guard down and think not every guy on the face of the planet is a giant douche something happens to bitch slap me back into reality. Right here and now I am declaring: never again will I be duped!
Okay, let me back up a bit. My cousin invited me to a Halloween party that was costume-mandatory. I agreed to go despite not having a costume and not knowing anyone else who might be at the party. Why? Because I am a sucker. The party was at a friend of a friend’s house, a guy who frequently has football parties on Sundays that I occasionally attend, so I thought maybe I would recognize some fellow football fans. I did not.
Anyway, we show up dressed as a Greek Goddess-type person (me), a pirate wench (my cousin), and Dirty Sanchez (my cousin’s husband). None of us were trampy enough to be at this party. Still, there were a couple of really good costumes, like the girl who came as Victoria from Twilight complete with bare dirty feet, and the Jon and Kate zombie couple who stapled eight baby dolls to their Ed Hardy t-shirts. And after five or six beers I was high-fiving the tramp-ass bar maids and Playboy bunnies and the multiple dudes dressed as Star Wars characters like we were BFFs. At some point I played multiple rounds of beer pong (yes, hi, I was in college NINE YEARS AGO), and during this whole period of drinking there was a dude hitting on me.
I’ll give him props for showing up dressed as Jonah Hill from Superbad. He was even carrying around a Tide bottle, which, okay, hilar. I’m a sucker for a guy who can make me laugh. And he was persistent. After many hours of skulking around me with compliments and smiles and asking for my number I finally relented and gave it to him. He leaned in for the kiss, and as soon as I walked away my cousin said, “Hey, you know he’s married, right?”
F
M
L
No, clearly I did not know he was married. That information might have been more useful say, before the kissing. Once again, the fates were conspiring to tell me something and I chose not to listen. That message was: STAY AWAY FROM DUDES! Like, forever! And then when forever is over, stay away from them some more!
Ugh.
But! Speaking of Halloween, I hereby present you with the list of the participants in the Fall 2009 CYOB Spooktacular which will go live this Friday, October 30th, at 10 am EST:
Definitely RA
Funky Carter
The Modern Gal
Oh! How Lovely
Sov Knight
Poppy Cedes
Pat and Fran
Subject To Change
Snow Covered Hills
Bright Yellow World
Notes From Under the Desk
Marie’s Blog Cafe
Life in the Left Lane
The Daily Tannenbaum
Green Duckies Girl
Parlant A L’Ether
Grand Allusions
Beej Loves You
Srah Blah Blah
Pardon the Egg Salad
Malfeasance
Flurrious
The CYOB cheers me up a little, so make sure to stop in on Friday morning.
Comments
25 Responses to “You Are All My Witnesses”
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Being one of the only, or possible the only guy that comments on your blog, I generally feel out of place here. Nonetheless, I smile in your general direction. At least you got SOME sort of action.
DUDE. WHY DIDN’T SHE SAY THAT BEFORE????
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I want to kick people like that in the balls.
That is so sketchy. What is wrong with some people? Sorry that the guy was trying to pull one over on you, that’s no fun.
But at least you got to dress up and play beer pong! That always makes things better!
What.An.Ass. But don’t let crap faces like that guy make you think less of other men. This guy just fits in the “scumbag-dirt” category.
I hope crap jerks stay away from you. You deserve SOOOO much better!
I hate to say “I told you so”, but this never would have happened if you’d dressed up as Sookie Stackhouse.
What a jackass!!!
You should have given that guy a black eye so he’d have to make up some sort of story for his wife about it. What an ass.
Oooooooooh. Oooooooooh. I’m so mad for you I can’t even think of anything to say.
OH COME ON. This is just cruel! Also, your freaking cousin needed to interrupt BEFORE you gave him your number (and a kiss). Seriously. I wonder if he’ll have the nerve to call.
She SO should have told you. I was in a similar situation at a party once, having a blast being flirted with by this cute guy, and thank god a mutual friend very deliberately came up and said, “hey, dude…how’s your WIFE doing?” The look on his face was priceless. Of course, then the mutual friend went on to have an affair with him later, so maybe she was protecting her own turf more than she was helping me out, but either way…dodged a bullet.
UGH! I hope your cousin thinks better of you that you wouldn’t have kissed him, had you known he was married. WHAT A DOUCHE!
Is now a bad time to tell you that my CYOB entry is married?
Um. Wow.
Oof. I was wondering about the rest of that story, so thanks for sharing. And I saw pictures on Facebook and you’re not kidding: there was a lot of hooch and trampiness at that shindig. Oh my.
i just looked at the pictures too – hehe. what a creep. and why didn’t your cousin tell you? you should have smashed him with that tide bottle.
I can’t believe no one called him out, like in the situation Liz described. WTF, people?!
Ugh.
I’m so mad for you! What a scumbag! In other news, I am also super excited about CYOB – can’t wait!
So the Tide wasn’t just a prop, right? It was on his wife’s shopping list and he just happened to stop by a party on the way home?
I cannot believe that story and I am mentally barfing for you. AWFUL.
WOW.
What a d-bag.
SIGH.
[...] time for another round of Choose Your Own Blogventure! NPW has a list of the participants over here so make sure you check it out. It should be good stuff. I participated in a sci-fi CYOB last summer [...]
So let me first tell your readers, for your cousin’s sake. Your cousin has a sick sense of humor, but that wouldn’t prevent her from warning you earlier if she thought he was going to go beyond him macking it to you and making you feel all awesome about yourself. She didn’t think little enough of him to assume he’d cross that line and try to make his costume party flirtation something more than silly fun.
I on the other hand say enjoy it for what it was. A flirtation. He was a d-bag for going for the kill at the end, but what do you expect? You show up as Aphrodite, of course men will throw themselves at you. You’re too cute to ignore!
And I’m stoked to read the spooky stories tomorrow!
Ew! That is a complete and total d-bag move. That sucks!
Blech! Blech, blech, blech! That’s just wrong.
Although, let me tell you, it’s not better when they tell you they’re married. I had a guy once tell me that yes, he was married but he’d really like to take me out to dinner because he was looking for some variety in his life. Uh, thanks but no thanks.
God, what a douche. Thanks, Cousin, for the oh-so-timely information.