What I’m Reading
Feb
12
Anyone Got A Wedding Coming Up?
Filed Under Uncategorized
So guess what I did yesterday? I used the internet to forge a close and personal connection with God. No, really! You are presently reading the hallowed words of an ordained Reverend. Now every time a student comes to ask me why their essay won’t print and they say, “Ms. NPW, the printer is broken!”, I will say, “it’s REVEREND NPW, bitches, and only God can save that broke ass printer now.”
And then I will ask if they have anything to confess.
Actually, scratch that. I don’t want to hear the crazy stuff that is going through their little minds.
OPH was looking into getting an officiant for her wedding and realized that they charge an insane amount of money to come and say a few words at the ceremony, so she turned instead to the interwebs where she was promised that she, too could become a Reverend. It was free and easy! Well, we tested that statement out and guess what? Four point five seconds later I was a woman of the cloth, no questions asked.
My first thought was to ask my religious friends if this meant that I was saved from my certain atheist damnation, but as it turns out one actually needs to believe in God to get into heaven. As a Reverend, I call bullshit on that. The internet says I am ordained and if that’s not enough for God, well, then he’s a total jerk anyway so screw him. I HAVE A PRINTED CERTIFICATE, DUDE! LET ME IN!
My second thought was, if I get laid off I am totally starting up a side biz with OPH as a wedding officiant. $700 a weekend! And you know I will make my ceremonies all flowery and classy as shit.
But the best part is that you too can become one with God, whether he’s real or not! I very much like that their mission statement is pretty much the same as the futuristic world in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure: “be excellent to each other”. We are all children of the same universe, man. Plus, I love the idea of all my readers becoming a legion of Reverends. Ordained blog readers unite!
Now I just have to figure out how to trick myself into believing this nonsense. I feel holier than thou already.
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20 Responses to “Anyone Got A Wedding Coming Up?”
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Reverend NPW…please please please don’t bring the collection basket to my house.
I kind of want to be an ordained reverend now! Maybe I’ll do that during this next class.
Reverend NPW! Classy as shit! I am rolling over here!
Dude, that is awesome. I’m totally calling on you to officiate when I get married. And we will do the strumming-an-air-guitar thing they do in Bill & Ted.
I really, really love that you did this. I’m off to do the same myself! I think it would be awesome to have a side business of officiating at weddings. Personally, I think we would both be pretty damn good at it!
Bad ass. Hey- if the ordained can’t get into Heaven, who the hell can?
Let’s start our own faithless church where there is no god but we still get to go to heaven. Because let’s face it- Heaven sounds like an okay place even if it is made up.
You should make yourself a Pope hat.
Hey I did this a few months ago too. The best is the “clergy” parking pass they send you…which really only works in church parking lots and catholic hospitals but hey, it something!
When I got married I didn’t want a religious ceremony, seeing as how my husband and I are non-religious. We ended up going with an officiant which was awesome and gave us a word copy of our ceremony to see before hand. No religion, no obeying, no prayer. It was lovely. We had a reading of a poem, no scripture because HELLO we are not religious. The best instance of innappropriate religion in a ceremony was when I went to a shotgun wedding and the preacher was talking about them sharing intimate moments once they were married. I was 22 and snickering like a school girl in the audience, elbowing my friend next to me.
Damn! I’m already married.
Reverend NPW = Awesome
All I can say is that is awesome!
I love the idea of NPW’s entire readership being a band of ordained ministers.
Also, should I ever actually get married, I already have a photographer picked out (Nabbalicious). Now I have an officiant, too! (Now all I need is the guy. Hmm…)
That wedding business is nothing to sneeze at. You could make a really nice wad of money just a few weekends a year.
I wonder if you have any miracle working skills now.
The part about the certificate was priceless.
When we got married last May, we had one of our mutual friends get ordained and licensed through the state to perform our ceremony. It was awesome. The officiants were going to charge anywhere from $300-$600, but we got her for the $10 official, signed letter, the $10 license fee, and dinner. She wrote the entire ceremony and it was personal and wonderful.
When I sent her mail, I always address it to Reverend Natalie. Because I can’t stop myself.
Damn! You could have married us! YOU wouldn’t have forgotten to have us say “I do.”
New tagline: I’m holier than thou and I have the printable certificate to prove it.
Does Reverand NPW travel for weddings? Because I’m still in the market. Name your price.
cool – if i ever take the plunge again i’ll give you a holla. but don’t hold your breath because georges st-pierre doesn’t even know who i am, never mind that i think he should be my future second husband.
You so can officiate (is that the right word?) my wedding! All the free drinks you can have!
I’ll be happy to join you as your staff matchmaker so that you’re never at a shortage for business.
I love it!
My karaoke host is an ordained athiest minister. If I ever get married, he will perform the ceremony dressed as Elvis Costello (he’s not a fan of Elvis Presley). This will probably kill my mom. Of course, that’s if she survives the “You’re marrying an android?” conversation.
I kind of want to become ordained now. That would be awesome.
You are now addressing the Reverend Dana Marie. We can start our own churches now! This is so very awesome.
[...] all the time! But the church idea, well, I think this sums it up best – Mwahahahaha! Thanks to NPW for pointing me in the right direction. I cannot wait to tell my mother this and listen to her [...]