What I’m Reading
Feb
11
Unless you have children in your home I’m going to go ahead and assume that most people do not frequent toy stores with any regularity, which is a good thing because on the suckitude scale of one to ten (one being Home Depot, ten being Wal*Mart), Toys ‘R Us cruises in at a solid seven. Don’t believe me? You can go see for yourself. Depressing fluorescent lighting, dirty floors and shelves, row after row of ridiculous-looking action figures and ill-conceived board games. (On a side note, how have there been absolutely no cool new board games in the past decade? I don’t even count Cranium or Apples to Apples because they are not really board games- I’m talking Monopoly style here. Instead, they just keep bastardizing the classics. Really, Hulk Operation? Not necessary.) Like I said, definitely way up there in suckiness.
What happened to the dazzling toy stores of my youth? One of my secret dreams as a young girl was to win one of those prizes where you had five minutes to bolt through the store with a shopping cart and grab as many toys and games as you could. The secret part is that I practiced scooping items off a shelf with my own bookshelves in my bedroom when no one else was home. I would line up stuffed animals and books and board games and careen around with my arms spread out, dumping everything on the floor because I didn’t have a cart. I was convinced that there was a formula to the arc of your arm that one must master in order to maximize scooping potential. That, and you had to be damn fast. Funny that I never practiced sprinting. Anyway, it always seemed like the contestants had been coached by their parents right before their glory run as to what aisles to stop in and what toys were worth the most money. This was especially obvious when the boys would spend four of their precious five minutes loading up cart after cart with Cabbage Patch Kids and Care Bears and then maybe as an afterthought throw in some G.I. Joes and Nintendo cartridges. Nowadays the store would have to line the aisles with inflatable bumpers and the kids would have to wear helmets and the whole process would go from totally awesome and gladiator-like to totally lame and retarded-like.
But because we are actually thirty-year old children Chris and I have indeed made a purchase at a Toys ‘R Us within the last few months- a copy of Rock Band that happened to be on super sale right before the holidays. As part of the special sale, Toys ‘R Us gave us a $25 gift card to be used at a later date and last week we wanted to collect. I have never had a harder time trying to spend a free $25. There was not one thing I wanted. I contemplated putting the money towards a Wii Fit so that it could sit in the corner of my living room relegated to video game accessories, collecting dust and causing me the occasional pang of guilt when I glanced over at its wasted workout potential, but that meant I’d still have to shell out $60 and that was not the goal of the afternoon. I wanted Toys ‘R Us to give me something cool for free.
One hour and much crankiness later, Chris and I gave up. We could not find one toy or board game that even interested us enough to warrant getting it for free. This is a sad state of affairs, America. I am crafting a letter to send to Senator Kerry so that we can rectify the situation immediately. Sir, you say unemployment is on the rise in Massachusetts? Well someone needs to start making dolls that don’t have on more eyeshadow and lipstick than a tranny, and it might as well be me.
On the way out the door we were both disappointed and starving when we spotted those quarter machines with the toys and gum in them. Obviously I needed to spend seventy-five cents on a gumball the size of my fist, and Chris required an even bigger gumball called a Dinosaur Egg, which was filled with sour candies. We sat huddled in the car trying not to break our teeth as we gnawed at the disgusting-flavored balls of sugar and lamented how far toy stores have fallen. That sad, nostalgic feeling quickly turned bitter as our gumballs were so ludicrously gigantic they could no longer fit in our mouths and we were forced to only chew with them half in, half hanging out of our mouths, green apple spit getting everywhere. Chris gave up on his gumball halfway through but I remained dutiful and stubborn. I was not leaving Toys ‘R Us without some form of entertainment, damn it, GROSS OR NOT.
And you know what? I did it. I got that whole damn gumball in my mouth. Am I proud? Hell yes. That thing was a monster. Would I do it again? Never. Never never never never.
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25 Responses to “Sometimes Nostalgia Should Remain Just That”
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Wait – You let a Toys R Us gift card go to waste? Or did I miss the part where you actually bought something?
Transformers, playdoh, art supplies, clothes…We can always find something there. Maybe we should work out some sort of exchange.
I guess nobody’s inventing new board games because those newfangled video games are all the rage with the kids now? (I purposely tried to make that sound like I was an old fart. Which I sometimes think I am.)
I think it’s a bad thing for the girls of America when Barbie (that tramp) looks virtuous by comparison.
I don’t really have any fond memories of Toys R Us, so I have nothing to lose – thank goodness. It’s sad that you couldn’t use your free gift card!
Yeah! You show that gumball who’s boss.
I guess not every toy store can be FAO Schwartz. Toys R Us is just plain sad.
I played Apples to Apples at my friends house a few weeks ago and I am curious to know your thoughts on said game. (My thoughts: DUMBEST GAME EVER.)
I forgot to mention – re: Hulk Operation – my son was recently handed down a game called Junkyard Jalopy. You have to remove random items from a car (tennis racket, peanut, etc…) Operation style. Instead of buzzing, it honks.
I’m glad you wrote this, because now I won’t make the same mistake of going in one.
Firstly, I literally LOLed at your gumball situation. And your shopping spree scene totally reminded me of Supermarket Sweep where they go for the hams and turkeys first. Those poor little carrots are totally ignored.
I walked into a Toys R Us store last year with a friend of mine (can’t remember why we were there) and honestly, the majority of stuff there was crap.
Except for Lego. I love Lego.
My jaw feels strained and stuck-together just reading this. Urgh.
Also, some toy stores are better than others. Toys R Us is the worst of the lot. But how could they have NOTHING you wanted?
I saw one of those Dinosaur Eggs at the grocery store the other day. BLARGH.
I think this is why I do my toy shopping online. But won’t someone re-make Dream Date not involving Barbie?
OMG, I’m cracking up! I hate going to Toys ‘R Us.
As far as Home Depot, when my niece was approximately 4 years old, her parents were building a new house. My sister-in-law (her mom) asked if I wanted to run to Home Depot with her to help pick out light fixtures. My 4-year-old niece looked at me with huge eyes and said, “Aunt Beverly, trust me….you don’t want to go to Home Depot. They don’t even have real floors in there.”
Okay, new-ish games with a board that are worth your while that I’ve played… I think my top picks go to Loaded Questions and Wise or Otherwise. We’re also figuring out if we like Jumbalaya, too, but I imagine that it’ll end up in the winners’ column.
New games have it rough, but the oldies are good, too. Have you played Sorry in teams of 2? It’s fun, I’m telling you.
Kitty City was my favorite toy store as a child for obvious reasons: the mascot was a Kangaroo and the store named began with a “K.” I also fantasized about all the Barbie, Cabbage Patch and LEGO that I would acquire when I won the Nickelodeon sponsored 5 minute Toys R Us shopping spree. I also thought I would make it on Double Dare. Dreams die.
Mystery Date and Mall Madness were your favorites….and I still have them both, oh ya along with your Candy Land and Chutes & Ladders…..lol
I love the idea of you and Chris trying to eat giant gumballs in the car. It’s sad, yet hilarious.
The real Hulk wouldn’t smile like that if he were being operated on. Hasbro clearly does not understand Hulk.
Childhood just seems to kind of suck generally these days. Hooray for the 80s!
Are you saying Home Depot is the least sucky of all stores, or did I not understand your scale? Because Home Depot, while useful and relatively unannoying, is no fun.
As for the gift card, did it not occur to you that you could have EACH gotten your very own Electronic Boggle, and still had five dollars left over?? That’s my recommendation.
Great post. Toys ‘R Us was even sad when I was a kid, but only because you had to see all the stupid crap that other, lesser kids actually played with. And by that I mean everything NOT on the Lego aisle.
Hello. My name is Zach. And I am a Lego maniac.
I am also falling on the side of the Lego aisle but mainly because my nephew and my sister are addicted to the plastic brick. Seriously. The kid is 5 and they could build a new addition to their house with what they own in Lego paraphanalia.
My problem with Toys ‘R’ Us is that I hate the stupid name and they don’t have any decent books. But Password is a fun game. That’s pretty new, I think.
Oh, I hate Toys ‘R Us! It gives me a headache. I gave up on it after the lead recalls. I found a great online toy store and that’s where I buy all our gifts for our niece and nephew.
I love the idea of you practicing for a toy giveaway as a kid. That’s hysterical!
do you remember those Hulk Fists from a few years ago. you put them on like boxing gloves and when you hit someone they would make a crazy hulk noise. d and i used to go to the local toystore every weekend and do that while the staff gave us dirty looks.
Russ wanders into Toys R Us occasionally to pick up a video game or a random lego packet (yes, my husband plays with legos. Don’t tell) and I went with him once and I too was truly depressed. Plus the way they are set up is awfully confusing….
I was laughing out loud at the gumball story.
I heart Apples to Apples! Maybe it depends on who you play it with though.
Can’t you get Wii games at Toys R Us?
I HATE Toys R Us. It is the closest toy store to my house (closer than Target) so I always stupidly go in there for presents for my niece and nephew. It’s always a horrible mistake.
Also, growing up my mom REFUSED to go in because Toys R Us gave her a headache. I now understand.