What I’m Reading
Nov
30
Coming Out
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Recently there has been a rash of people coming out of the blogging closet. RA finally told her parents, OPH told a friend, and now I’ve told someone as well. Blogging has never been truly secretive for me because pretty much everyone I know is aware that this blog exists, and whether they read it or not is up to them. There happens to be a pretty wide range of people who read what I have to say, from those who have known me since elementary school to people I’ve never even met. According to Google Reader there are just about 180 people subscribed to this blog. Who are all these people? I have no idea.
I’ve never really had to do the “sooooo… I have a blog!” routine until recently. It was much more difficult than I expected and it ended up being more like, “soooo… I have a blog! But it’s crap and you don’t have to read it and it’s really kind of personal so I’m just warning you now that it’s not, like, great literature or something. Don’t expect too much!” Which wasn’t what I meant to say at all except that I felt so awkward it was hard to get past feeling defensive about it.
The thing is, it’s really kind of intense to give someone a one-way all-access pass to your life.
Because maybe they’d read it and think, hey, this is great, now I don’t have to catch up on multiple years of your day-to-day goings on! Or maybe they’d read it and think, yeah, this really is crap. Or maybe they wouldn’t read it at all! What’s worse: disinterest or vehement dislike? Or worst of all, maybe they wouldn’t understand and try to convince you it’s not worth your time; that there are better, more lucrative things you could do with your writing. I adore the people I have met through blogging, mostly because they are amazing people but also partly because they understand this. There’s no need to explain it to them; they already get it.
For the most part I’ve always been of the mindset that I write what I have to say with blinders on. If I stopped to think about who might or might not be reading I would never be able to post anything of substance. That’s not an easy position to be in when the person reading doesn’t already know you- I don’t want the only impression of me to come from this writing. It’s part of me, for sure, but it’s not all of me.
I suppose after I gave out the blog address I could have made a mad dash to go in and edit all my content so that it reflected only the best parts of me. I could take out all the ranting posts about having my job cut, all the weepy posts about my breakup with Chris, anything that is not sunshine and sugar cookies and leave my blog looking like I’m some kind of freakish 30-year old Pollyanna. But then it would stop being me, and maybe more importantly, stop being important to me.
I may omit certain things and I may write about some subjects in a tongue-in-cheek kind of way, but this body of writing reflects more than four years of my life. I’m kind of proud of it, actually. And that’s what I meant to say.
Nov
28
Happier Days
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Last night we dropped the Brits off at the airport to send them back to Heathrow. I hated saying goodbye to them, and I hate that they don’t live just down the road so that I can text them to come by for dinner whenever I feel like it. Still, it’s pretty awesome to know I have such good family living abroad that I can always visit with one little plane ride. It’s also pretty awesome to know that my family abroad has the same sense of humor and same alcohol tolerance that we have over here. Yay genetics! However: starting today I am going to attempt a week of detox so that my liver does not decide to abandon me in a time of need. Seriously. I need it.
To make sure I start to follow through with my renewed fitness plan, I finally agreed to sign up for a triathlon, at the continued requests of my health teacher/physical trainer friend. The tri might not be until summer, but if I continue to drink like the Prohibition is nigh there is no way I will ever get my ass in gear to be able to swim, bike, and run any amount of distance. The multiple desserts a day probably haven’t been helping either, but how’s a girl to choose between pecan cream cheese pie, apple crisp, coconut cheesecake, or pumpkin ginger tarts? It’s impossible, I tell you!
Anyway, moving on. I feel like it’s been forever since last I posted even though it’s really only been 5 days. Let me catch you up with the short version: New Boy is out, there’s a new New Boy in town. I had many misgivings about the old New Boy to begin with, and once I met the new New Boy I could clearly see he was a million times better suited to me. In fact, I would say I am in major crush mode at the moment and it’s a very nice place to be, especially since I’m reasonably certain it’s mutual.
So that’s that. Tomorrow is my last day of Thanksgiving break, and now all I have to look forward to is the ten days at Christmas time. But oh, that seems so far away right now. What are your plans to make it from now till the end of December?
Nov
23
Mid-morning on Monday and I still feel drunk. It’s either the effects of the eight (EIGHT!!!) key lime pie martinis (plus two beers I forgot about) that I drank on Saturday night that are just now wearing off, or I managed to kill off a sufficient number of brain cells to effectively render me mentally handicapped. Or maybe both. Sigh. I don’t know. Clearly I shouldn’t even be writing this right now.
So Saturday night was when we decided to celebrate my birthday along with another friend whose birthday is only a few days before mine. Our combined guest list must have been somewhere around 40 in a bar that probably only holds 100 and I honestly cannot remember a time when I had more fun. Not only were my friends present, but my cousins both American and British, plus my sister and her boyfriend, and anyone else who happened to stop by. If you happen to be my Facebook friend you will have seen the evidence of how much fun I had. If not, sorry, but I am not reposting pictures that I don’t even remember posing for.
Moving on from my drunken escapades, the rest of the British invasion is going well. Yesterday the Mumsy Lou had a football party at her house with an elaborate spread of food and the British boys loved it. Steak tips on the grill? They were in heaven. Patriots on the giant flat screen? Best day ever. You can change what country they’re in, but you can’t change the hard-wired genetics of boys, I guess.
The things they have been requesting have been cracking me up. Their first night in they tried root beer and they found it mostly revolting but also intriguing. They asked if it came from roots and I had no answer. Does it?! I don’t know. I’m just a dumb American. They also wanted Ho Ho’s and Twinkies and Cap’n Crunch and Taco Bell. They thought the mailboxes at the end of the driveways were hilarious and exclaimed loudly about the yellow school buses in the mornings. I’m pretty sure they feel like they are staying on the set of a movie, which is exactly how I felt when I was staying with them in England. They also consumed an entire bottle of Jagermeister in one evening and felt what it’s like to have a real American hangover, college-style. Now we just need to bust out the beer pong table and they won’t even need to pay the $120,000 in tuition fees to get the same knowledge as the rest of us.
I think I’ll sit that beer pong game out, though. I’ve had my alcohol fill for the remainder of my 31st year of life.
Nov
18
What It’s Like
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Before I started teaching full time I had a general idea of how tough it is. It’s hard to avoid that fact when you work in a school- teachers work their asses off. But now that I am in the thick of things I know exactly how tough it is, and I’m pretty sure I do not like it. I was talking to a friend about work and he mentioned that he spent eight full hours completely absorbed in one project. Eight hours! I barely get 45 minutes to become absorbed in something and then that horrid buzzer-bell goes off and I’m switching gears to a new project, a new grade, a new set of kids.
Today the bell sounded and I grabbed my stuff, set up my projector, and had my attendance ready to go for the sixth graders. Then no one showed up. Umm… the huh? I checked the schedule like twelve times before I was convinced I was not looking at the wrong day because even though it is the middle of November I still have no idea what groups I see on what days. Do you even know what that’s like? If I were to compare it to an office job, it would be like meeting with co-workers, bosses, clients, and customers at random but regimented times, all day every day. When would you get any actual work done? Answer: on your own damn time.
Anyway, when my sixth graders didn’t show up I sheepishly walked down to the office to explain that I’d somehow lost 23 eleven-year olds. I was kindly informed that they were on a field trip today, a fact which somehow entirely escaped my attention. I was mildly embarrassed but also elated to have 45 minutes to myself. What to do, what to do?
Oh, right. The Quiz Bowl rosters, the robotics club forms and documentation, putting plans in place for my sub tomorrow, making photocopies, placing work orders for broken computers, emailing my Principal to let him know that the library should be declared an official disaster zone even though there are “volunteers” in there checking out books, and then hopefully somehow squeeze in some time to pee.
Seriously, I am going to have a Bladder of Steel after this job. Maybe I should put that on my resume.
Nov
15
I Hear The Bells
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Things have been getting a little overwhelming lately and I’m not really sure what to do about it. My philosophy has been to roll with it when I feel like I can and take a break when I feel like I need to. I know this probably sounds very reasonable and adult to you, lovely readers, but I will tell you that it is hard as hell for me in practice. Things that have been making this harder:
It is quickly approaching the Holiday Season of Doom, to be followed almost immediately by I’d Like To Kill Myself February.
I have a book club meeting with my bestest bookish ladies on Tuesday and even though I am very much enjoying the book I still have about 100 pages to go. I need to bust through it tomorrow afternoon so I’m not branded as a slacker- just because I’m not in a library this year does not mean I can fall off the nerd wagon.
My cousins from England are arriving on Thursday, which means non-stop partying for eight days. This is not a bad thing, I’m actually really excited about it, but it will be a reason for exhaustion certainly. They asked what we do on American Thanksgiving and all I could come up with was, “eat?”. I’m sure they’re looking forward to such a thrilling event in gluttony.
My birthday is also coming up. I will be celebrating it in style at the Enormous Room in Cambridge with about 25 or so of my nearest and dearest friends and relatives.
Things that have alleviated the crazy:
The Mike Doughty concert was amazing, and the new boy bought me a t-shirt and HAD IT SIGNED. BY MIKE DOUGHTY. AND GOT A PICTURE OF ME. WITH MIKE DOUGHTY!
I posted this picture on Facebook with the caption “My new boyfriend!!!!” and multiple people commented that they couldn’t wait to meet him. I don’t know what that says about my people that they think I’d really post a picture of my date with such a caption, but I can assure you this is not really him. This is MIKE FREAKIN’ DOUGHTY.
I also bought DJ Hero. It has provided numerous hours of fun and I’ve only had it for one day. Plus, I saw the Harry Potter exhibit at the Museum of Science, followed by an amazing dinner at Kingfish Hall on Saturday. All in all, the weekend was pretty bad ass.
Fine, I can already hear all of your comments: I will enjoy it while I can and stop worrying about what’s coming up. Thanks for the tip.
Nov
12
I Will Date Every Single One Of You
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According to my last post, I should be dating my blog readers. This makes a certain amount of sense, I suppose; I mean, if you enjoy what I write it’s likely you’re going to be able to follow the strange ruminations of my brain, and that is half the battle with me. Alas, most of my readers are married and/or female, so it’s unlikely that my blog will provide a viable dating pool in the end. Still, it does make me happy that my readers are all such awesome people, and if we ever both become lesbians at the same time, I’m positive Noelle and I will be very happy together.
I would also like to clarify that I do not hate Midwesterners at all, I just think Midwestern boys would have a difficult time with my cold New England ways. They just could not understand my Puritanical roots! It’s in my blood, boys. Really I should have included upstate New York in that list instead, as the last three men I have had relationships with were originally from that region, each progressively closer to the Canadian border. This information must indicate something about my personality or who I am attracted to, but I have no idea what that might be. Maybe that I should move to Toronto?
Anyway, I am very happy that tomorrow is Friday, for both the obvious reasons and also because I am going to see my imaginary boyfriend Mike Doughty play at the Regattabar in Harvard Square. Unfortunately, I am also bringing a date to said show, so I will have to be sneaky as to how I get Mr. Doughty into my car with me after his set.
I’m only half kidding.
Actually, this date I am bringing with me will be our fourth (fifth? I don’t remember), and I have no idea where it may be going. I’ve decided to just roll with it for now. It seems easier that way- you know, if it turns out he’s a major dick, well, okay then. If it turns out he’s okay, so much the better, right? Although, if he does end up being a somewhat permanent fixture around here I suppose I will need a blog name for him. Suggestions?
Nov
10
The NPW Dating Compatibility Quiz
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I got this idea from the Big Book of Bad Dates, and modified it to fit my own life. I’ve found that I am not at all compatible with these traits- HOWEVER! It’s not like any one trait would throw me off entirely. It’s more like the sum of the whole. So please don’t leave me a comment about how I am discriminating against people who like NASCAR (even though I actually am), or how I am too picky and thus do not deserve to date. I tell myself that often enough, I don’t need to read it in a comment as well.
Start with 100 points; subtract 1 point for each of the following statements you believe accurately describes you.
1. I am an only child
2. I live with roommates or my parents
3. I am 10 years older or 10 years younger than NPW (NPW is 30)
4. I have a kid or kids
5. I am not employed or I only work part time
6. I have been convicted of a crime or I should have been convicted of a crime but somehow I didn’t get caught or I got off
7. I would consider myself “over-educated and under-employed”
8. I am in debt up to my eyeballs, for reasons other than education
9. I do not tip waitstaff the full 20%
10. I own a hand gun
11. College just wasn’t for me, or I never got over how awesome that one beer pong win was in the Spring of ‘99
12. I was in a fraternity
13. I eat McDonald’s at least once a week
14. I am a vegan or raw foodist
15. I don’t drink alcoholic beverages and/or caffeinated beverages
16. I drink to get drunk on a weekly basis
17. I drink my coffee with more cream and sugar than actual coffee
18. I have a gluten allergy, nut allergy, or any allergy that does not allow me to eat certain things
19. I would consider myself a picky eater
20. I prefer chain restaurants to local places
21. I believe a woman should do the cooking and the laundry
22. I have a vanity plate
23. I regularly drink Red Bull
24. I am a smoker
25. I consider myself a casual or recreational drug user
26. I have been through a 12-step program
27. I need meds to get through the day or I probably should take meds to get through the day
28. I suffer from social anxiety
29. I have been diagnosed with or currently have a sexually transmitted disease
30. I can’t get it up
31. I was raised as or am currently a practicing: Catholic, Mormon, Jehovah’s Witness, Wiccan, Sikh, Baptist, or any religion that participates in speaking in tongues or snake handling
32. I am from the Midwest or the Deep South
33. I am a Scorpio, Aquarius, or Leo
34. I have taken a picture of myself in the bathroom mirror with my shirt off with my camera phone
35. I have taped myself having sex, I have posted an ad in Craigslists Casual Encounters, I have participated in a threesome, or I have paid for sex
36. I refer to myself as an existentialist
37. I claim to enjoy French New Wave cinema
38. I have never left my home state and/or hometown or have never been out of the country
39. I do not have a best friend and/or nobody considers me their best friend
40. I currently have a girlfriend, wife, and/or am gay
41. I am divorced
42. I have never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 6 months
43. I have cheated on a former girlfriend
44. I have never been in love
45. I wear gold chains or a cross or a pinky ring
46. I refuse to dance even when I’ve had a couple of drinks and I’m at my best friend’s wedding
47. I think women should open their own doors
48. I do not enjoy television
49. I collect VHS tapes
50. I own a light-up beer sign and/or kegerator
51. I collect empty beer, liquor or wine bottles and display them on my windowsill/headboard/fireplace mantle
52. I refuse to pay $5 a month for texting
53. I sleep on a mattress on the floor, a couch, a blow-up mattress, and/or a futon
54. I don’t remember the last time I changed the sheets on my bed
55. The last time I read a book it was required reading
56. My preferred reading materials include Maxim magazine and/or anything by Dan Brown
57. I have a subscription to a porn magazine
58. I do not know what NPR, NASA, and/or PMS stands for
59. I am under 5’9”
60. I don’t wear deodorant
61. I do not take a shower or bathe every day
62. I don’t brush my teeth twice a day
63. I own sweatpants and will wear them in public
64. My hair is longer than yours, my hair is dyed, or I consider my hair to be “emo” or “hipster”, I have dreads
65. I refuse to wear flip flops, even on the beach
66. I wear “tighty whities,” or “novelty” or “holiday” boxers/socks/ties
67. I think t-shirts and cargo shorts are appropriate for every occasion
68. I have a full beard, mustache and/or muttonchops
69. I have a tattoo of a Looney Tune, Disney character, woman’s name, barbed wire around my bicep, rosary around my neck, a tramp stamp, and/or a face tattoo
70. “Bro” and “Brah” are things I say frequently
71. I consider myself a “regular guy,” or an “average joe”
72. I use the term “lol” and/or emoticons more often than I use real words
73. I refer to women as “bitches”
74. I have used the phrase “I carry my God in my pocket”
75. I need every conversation to become a lecture
76. I never exercise, I go to the gym every day, and/or I am a former world champion curler
77. I run marathons and/or am in training for an extreme sport competition
78. I play in a band
79. My hobbies include dirt biking, 4-wheeling, and/or gambling
80. My favorite game is bridge, euchre, Monopoly, or D & D
81. I have an obsession with Taylor Swift, Britney Spears, or any other pop singer
82. I have an obsession with football, golf, NASCAR or country music
83. I do not play video games
84. I think being a teacher is the easiest job in the world
85. I have a tanning membership
86. I am a registered Republican
87. I enjoy singing karaoke
88. My favorite band is U2, Coldplay, Nirvana, or Phish
89. I hate the Beatles
90. I have over 350 friends on Facebook or MySpace
91. I don’t “believe” in social networking
92. I prefer calling to texting
93. I do not own a car
94. I drive a Hummer, minivan, conversion van, PT Cruiser, Ford, or school bus
95. I do not have a public library card
96. My car has a “No Fear” sticker, a Calvin peeing on or kneeling before a cross sticker, and/or my last name in gothic text on the rear window
97. I never wash my car or I wash my car weekly
98. I would consider “playing with my cat” to be one of my hobbies
99. I own a snake, spider, lizard, rat, or ferret
100. I really love my pit bull or Rottweiler
Scoring
96-100 Clearly you are a big liar…or my knight in shining armor. Call me immediately for a date! Or to propose! I’ll be happy to give you the best (or next) 4 years of my life.
71-95 Three scenarios are possible: we will go out on 1-2 dates and you will fall in love with me and I will find you wretched OR we will go out on 1-2 dates and I will fall in love with you and you will find me tedious OR we will go out on 1-2 dates and decide we’re better off as friends. Things will be awkward for awhile but we’ll appreciate each other in the end. This is the most likely scenario.
51-70 The best opportunity for a bad date. We have just enough in common, or you’re hot enough that I’ll agree to go out with you. I will probably even be hopeful about it. Give him a chance! Maybe he’ll surprise you?! It will be painful and embarrassing and a huge waste of precious time. Of course, it will be fun to tell my friends about later. Sayonara suckah.
31-50 It could never and will never work. Of course, that doesn’t mean I won’t go out with you. I’ll give it the old college try and will hate every second of the experience. I will vow never to see/call/talk to you again and I will resent you and look forward to mocking you at my earliest convenience. Or, we will move in together.
0-30 Move along. You should be ashamed of yourself. I’m ashamed of you. Your mom is, too.
Nov
3
November Means Many Things, But Most Importantly: My Birthday!
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First of all, a big round of applause for the CYOB participants last week. Their fabulousness makes the entire process possible, of course. Clap clap clap. I hope you all enjoyed the stories because there were some crazy ass twisted endings that surprised even me- and I loved that it geared me up for Halloween!
Speaking of Halloween, I went to two Halloween parties in two weeks. Both of them included beer pong, one of them included beer pong played with a girl that works in the HR department of my school department. What happens in the ‘burbs stays in the ‘burbs, I guess… although, if I had known of her wild child proclivities this summer I maybe could have had some leverage in getting HR to return my phone calls. Ah well.
Moving on! Welcome to November, otherwise known as the month in which I graced the world with my presence. As such, I have started compiling my annual birthday overlapped with Christmas wish list, and I would like to share it with you.
Embroidered wallet from LBAccessories on Etsy. (Speaking of Etsy, have you guys seen Regretsy? HILAR.)
LibrArian Hoodie from TopatoCo. Loves.
UGG Classic Argyle Boots from Zappos. Look, I know they’re hideous but DUDES, my school is cold as hell.
You Rock, You Rule Pillowcases from What On Earth. Should be more like What The Cute!
Isabelli Necklace from Lulu’s. Because I need more pretty things, always.