What I’m Reading
Jul
30
Please Have a Laugh At My Expense
Filed Under Uncategorized | 17 Comments
Today we went to the West Midlands Safari Park. It was the first day it didn’t pour rain and I was happy to enjoy a little sunshine and some animal viewing.
Here is me at the beginning of the drive. Happy! Excited! I’m going to feed the wild animals!
Then I happened to look at the box of food we bought at the entrance:
You can see where this is going, right? Yeah. I thought so. Please excuse the panicky, high-pitched voice.
Jul
26
I’m Not Drunk, For Once
Filed Under Uncategorized | 16 Comments
Can I just say, jolly old England has totally kicked my ass this week. I mean, I thought my family in America does a lot of drinking, but my British cousins blow them out of the water. I truly have not had one day here where I haven’t been plied with wine, beer, or cider at almost every meal and then well into the night. There are pubs on every street corner. People go to social clubs on their lunch break and have three or four half pints and go back to work. England’s drinking culture has put my liver on notice: shape up or ship out. I think I’m going to have to ship out, but not for another week and a half, so I suppose I better make the most of it before I have to head back to reality, ie, not consuming a bottle of wine before I go out drinking.
Today marks one week that I’ve been here and it has been non-stop. Between stopping in to visit relatives and trying to cram in as much sight-seeing as possible I am thankful that I left my social calendar in the capable hands of my cousin Nicola. I’m also glad that I can’t drive a stick because the idea of driving around here is completely terrifying. I’m content to be chauffered around like a celebrity, from one very important appointment to the next. I even do the little Queen wave out the window at all my adoring Birmingham fans.
Also, I’ve found that it’s been somewhat therapeutic to have my iPhone surgically detached from my hand; I’ve missed texting a whole lot, but thanks to the miracle of the internet and my trusty little laptop I have been in frequent contact with my peeps. Thank goodness I have them to keep me grounded because it would be very easy to get a big head with all the attention I get with my American accent. It’s a little frightening how fast people’s heads whip around when they hear me talk and then suddenly there’s a crowd and they all want to know what I think of Obama, what I think of Posh and Becks, how did Michael Jackson die, do I watch baseball or cricket, does everyone in America drive around in gas guzzling Hummers, can I say “parking lot” again, do I want another drink? It’s boggling, really.
Anyway, there’s still so much coming up I start to get a little overwhelmed if I think it all through because we still have a few days in London to look forward to, the West Midlands Safari Park, quiz night at the pub, and a number of family engagements which are the most relaxing part of the trip despite their tendency to get me drunk.
Thankfully today I was able to take a little break from my impending alcoholism because it is rainy and windy and I have nothing planned but a marathon session of this terrible British teeny bopper soap opera called Holly Oaks. Tomorrow I’m sure I’ll be back to my drunken self, punching people on the double decker bus (true story) and stealing bobby’s hats. Ta.
Jul
23
Things I’ve Learned While in England
Filed Under Uncategorized | 19 Comments
1. When someone comes down the street yelling “ANNNNNY OLD IRON!”, over and over again, he’s not doing it to wake you up. The rag and bone man is really collecting your trash and throwing it in his truck.
2. The grocery stores sell ice cream with Cadbury chocolate in it. Reason enough to move here, in my book.
3. If I want to understand a word people are saying in the Black Country I have to concentrate really hard and filter everything through the pre-revolutionary European novel translator in my head.
4. The Black Country is NOT Birmingham, and you should never, ever say “same difference, right?” to someone from either place.
5. Faggots and peas are as gross as they sound.
6. Everyone is very excited to meet an American but only care that you’re from Boston because you are close to New York City.
7. If you are looking to get knifed or shot, by all means sit on the top floor of the double decker bus, all the way towards the back.
8. Riding on the steam train is what I imagine the Hogwarts Express to be like. What I wouldn’t give for a wand and a butterbeer though.
9. People are impressed when you can shoot a ball off a bottle with a rifle at an old-fashioned fair. That’s the New Hamp representing, right there.
10. If you drink wine and then get pints at the pub and then drink more wine you will end the night drunk, soaked, and talking to your mom in the States saying things like, “We sat on giant dildos!”
Jul
20
A Two-Day Montage
Filed Under Uncategorized | 14 Comments
Right then. Today we were off to Cadbury World, which was crazy fun. I thought it would be just a tour of the factory and maybe a bit of free chocolate to taste, but there were rides and an interactive theater and a gorilla playing the drums and you could design your own Cadbury advertisements. The best was at the end, they had a place called Essence where they had loads of different types of treats they’d fill up a little cup with, then pour a ton of warm liquid Cadbury chocolate over it. You could pick from all sorts of things, like wine gums, biscuits, marshmallows, caramel corn, and my personal pick, liquorice allsorts.
Anyway, the whole place was bloody brilliant and everywhere you went they plied you with free chocolate so now I have a whole bag full. When we got back we went round to my great uncle’s house and spent some time reminiscing and laughing. In the evening Phil made a dinner (or a tea, if you’re trying to be British) of “jacket potatoes”. I half expected that to be something fancy but it was really just baked potatoes with the skins on, albeit delicious. We also had some Pimm’s and lemonade in the garden and then we spent the night watching terrible comedy shows and laughing over all the pictures we had taken.
Speaking of, here you go:
More pictures here if you’re interested. Tomorrow we’re off to the Black Country Museum and then up to Birmingham City Center for a pint and some tea. Hope you’re all enjoying your summer with as much chocolate as I am!
Jul
19
Pip Pip
Filed Under Uncategorized | 14 Comments
Well, I’m here! At long last. The flight over was long and uncomfortable, as I knew it would be. When I first boarded I was psyched to be in a row by myself in front of the bulkhead. Extra leg room for these ridiculous long legs and all, but as soon as I went to make myself comfortable with a pile of stolen pillows and blankets I realized that I had picked the one row where the armrests didn’t go up. Basically my choices were limited to scrunching my head into the window frame with a pillow jammed behind, or swinging my legs up over the middle armrest and having my spine dig into the armrest behind me. I alternated between the two while trying to keep from freezing and balance the tiny trays of microwaved food. I also tried to keep from seething with jealousy about the people who had the entire row of three seats to lie down across because those jerks slept the entire flight over, and I couldn’t resist jostling their seats when I went by to use the restroom. Especially the seat of the woman who bogarted the entire strip of outlets in the airport in Boston- seriously, she must have been charging every electronic device she owned.
The only good thing about my uncomfortable seats was that they were at the front, so once we arrived at Heathrow I bolted from the plane and flew through customs, even after being grilled about where I was going and why. It felt so good to be walking I practically ran to the baggage claim and as soon as I got there my bag came right around and I grabbed for it. My cousin was right there waiting and we were out of London in the blink of an eye. I’m afraid I was a terrible guest because I dozed off for a half hour in the car on the way to Birmingham but I really couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. They don’t call it the red eye for nothing. After a fortifying bag of crisps and some black currant cordial I managed to make some conversation for the rest of the two hour drive.
Now I’m here in a little suburb town of Birmingham and everything is teeny tiny and so cute. The houses and cars and yards are like a miniature movie set for a British film. I’ve already had two cups of tea and I’m sitting looking out into the little garden where it is appropriately drizzly and cool. Later on we’ll have tea (dinner!) with some of my family and maybe check in on Barney the horse at the stables. I could get used to this country life.
Jul
16
Oopsies, I didn’t mean to neglect my darling little blog for so long! It doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment at all, especially when it’s been so kind to me in my times of need. Which have been many. Thankfully I am feeling much better after my beach extravaganza in Maine. There is something about the ocean and the sun that makes any life trauma seem negligible. Seriously, try it sometime. Laid off? BEACH DAY! Pet died? BEACH TIME! Ran out of beer? WHAT’S UP, BEACH?! Actually, if you ran out of beer I would recommend getting more and then… you guessed it! BEACH!
So yes, it was great, and much needed. Some of you follow me on Facebook, some on Twitter, but if you are one of those anomalies who does neither it consisted of alcohol, delicious grilled foods and lobster rolls, geocaching, exploring a Franciscan monastery by mistake, friends, family, a trip to L.L. Bean, minigolf, ice cream, salt water taffy, and of course, enjoying some rare sunshine. My dad went on a deep sea fishing trip and won some prize for the biggest fish, which is now in the freezer to be grilled at our leisure. Sorry, Mr. Haddock, but you are too delicious to throw back.
Now I am back and I have a million errands to do before I leave on Saturday night for jolly old England. And yes, that list of errands included posting here because beach or no, I can’t have you all disappointed every day when you open up that RSS feed. Plus, there is Harry Potter to watch tonight and that is three hours of awesomeness that will not be spent trying to buy an outlet adapter or exchanging dollars to pounds, so I need to get the posting in where I can.
As for England, I am very excited and nervous and all that, but mainly just trying to think of ways to entertain myself on the flight right now. Can I get through customs with a bottle of shiraz? No? Well then I guess I will have to make do with a bunch of magazines and books. Right now I’m planning on bringing five paperbacks with me. That may sound ridiculous to you, but people, I am a librarian. I cannot deny my natural impulses!
Once I’m there I promise to write frequently. I’m sure there will be plenty to discuss, seeing as how my cousin Nicola has booked me for a month’s worth of riding lessons. As in HORSE RIDING lessons. I have never been on a horse in my life but damn if I’m not going to come back an accomplished equestrian. Maybe I’ll run the local 4-H or something. Anyway, I guess if I’m going to do it up in the UK I should do it up right and it does seem fitting to ride horses in the English countryside. It’ll be all Jane Austen of me, right? Maybe I can become a governess and meet my Mr. Rochester while I’m there too. Check and check!
On that note, I better do some laundry before the piles of clothes mount an attack against me. I have to look good while representing the US of A, right?
Jul
9
Attempting A Summer
Filed Under Uncategorized | 23 Comments
Ah, the inevitable summer blogging rut. I wish I could blame it on being out in the fantastic weather doing amazingly fun stuff but that would be a bald-faced lie. This rain has permeated my soul, people. And that is only a little bit of melodrama.
Here is what I have accomplished on my summer vacation: read four (FOUR!) vampire books, watched five episodes of a vampire show, drank enough wine with my friends to qualify me for my very own park bench and paper bag in the Commons, moved my car around the two-hour parking enough times to need another tank of gas, cultivated my new hobby of buying things online, greeted the FedEx guy three days in a row sans bra or shower, avoided going into my new school even though I really need to get on the ball with curriculum planning, got my ass kicked by a 70-year old yoga instructor, and hit on by not one, but two separate teenagers in the park down the street.
I have also seriously contemplated putting off my trip to England. Not because I don’t want to go (I do!), but because it involves things like packing and organizing and my day is far too busy for mundane tasks like planning to be abroad for three weeks. I have cats to torment! And coffee to drink! Also, my trip to England means I will miss the lovely OPH’s wedding (which I am sorely tempted to attend just because I know it would be the funnest wedding of all time), AND I just got an invitation to one of those sweet Brand About Town Nintendo parties, where they let you try out games and you get a free Nintendo DSi! Sigh. Why do I always get the awesome invites as soon as I make unchangeable plans? FML.
To remedy my pathetic summer I have made actual plans with actual friends for the next couple of days. Friday night we will have a somewhat impromptu BBQ, Saturday and Sunday I will be hitting up the beach house in Maine, where I will indulge in some lobsters and fried foods, and maybe even some outlet shopping. And… yeah. That’s about it, I guess. Not exactly a packed social schedule but at least it’s something? I’M TRYING. At least I only have one more dentist appointment before I ditch this country!
Anyway, what have you been up to?
Jul
6
Scattershot
Filed Under Uncategorized | 19 Comments
Hello there, my lovelies. I’m going to guess that you all are back at work today after a long weekend of sun and drinking and none too pleased about it. Me? I’m just messing around on the internet, doing a couple loads of laundry, and waiting for some dude named Lothario to show up and appraise the damage done to my car. No, really. Lothario. I’ve prepared for this by wearing my super sexy polka dot pajama pants from 1998 and a giant t-shirt that says “Librarians do it in the stacks”. Do you think he’ll be impressed?
Anyway, my celebration of our nation’s independence was spread out over three days and this morning I am just happy to chill out with some coffee and a ridiculous vampire novel- no, not Twilight, I read those all ages ago- while downloading season one of True Blood. I am going to attempt to load a bunch of TV shows on a flash drive to bring for the plane ride over to London since I know I will not be sleeping unless someone gives me a bucketful of Ambien before I leave.
Getting back to last weekend, Friday I headed up to the beach to celebrate the birthday of one of my oldest friends. Errr, I should say, longest-running friends. She is not old, or at least, is only half a year older than I am and we went to high school together. As always, it was nice to catch up, and even nicer to be at the beach with the sun shining and the grill going.
Saturday my sister hosted a dual birthday-Fourth of July celebration at her place, which is on a lake. Again, it was sunny, so anything that happened for the rest of the day was just a bonus. I spotted some dudes a couple of houses down playing some sort of game involving throwing and when I asked what it was my sister shouted, “DONKEY BALLS!”, which, as you can imagine, kind of surprised me. But sure enough, that was the name of the game these guys had… invented?… and after they were done we sauntered over and paired ourselves up to play. Let me tell you, I am awesome at Donkey Balls. Also, everyone else was very drunk, but still, I totally kicked ass. It’s basically like horseshoes, only instead of the horseshoes it was two golf balls attached at either end of a foot-long piece of nylon rope. When you throw the balls they have to hook onto a three-tiered scaffold of PVC pipe, each tier meaning a different number of points.
Okay, that description sounds boring, but I assure you it was fun, even when my sister’s wildly drunk throws bounced off the houses on either side and the Saab parked in the neighbor’s driveway.
Sunday was yet another family party, but this one included a delightful cross-dressing bartender (not my family member, sadly) who kept my rum drinks replenished all day, and once again, it was appropriate weather for July- hot and sunny- and I dipped my feet in the pool and generally enjoyed myself.
So now here we are. Monday. My plans for this week are kind of scattered, and I also kind of feel like I should already be packing for England (please tell me that is crazy, since it’s still two weeks away!), but I’m hoping to get into my new school at least once this week and maybe introduce myself to any of the other crazies who go into school over the summer. Oh, and also, I have my first eco-friendly post up at Allie’s Answers today, so please go check it out if you have time!
Jul
2
Death, You Are On Hiatus
Filed Under Uncategorized | 11 Comments
All right then. Show of hands: have I sufficiently depressed all of you since mid-May? Anyone else ready to hang themselves from the rafters of an old church? No? Well that’s good then. I mean, me neither. And anyway, old churches are so not hip enough to wind up dead in. If I’m going out young I want it to be somewhere like the jewelry section of Anthropologie, not dangling above some musty old altar.
Really, I shouldn’t even joke about death at all, except if I don’t I think I might actually go crazy. Forget about all the random celebrity deaths of the last few weeks (and also, try to forget that E! special you watched called “Where’s Michael Jackson’s Chimp Now?”), it seems like lately every time I talk to anyone they are telling me about yet another tragic death. And they are never, like, “that 90 year old man down the street who died in his sleep” type-stories, more like the “40-year old friend of the family was found dead in his apartment and oh yeah it might have been a suicide but there’s no note” type. And really, at this juncture in my life do you think I need that type of sadness weighing on me? No. No, I do not. So for the love of Billy Mays, people, PLEASE STOP DYING. Just for a little while, okay?
Still, all this death does put things in perspective. I may crack (offensive, tasteless) jokes about bringing my toaster in the bathtub with me but I have never once seriously contemplated death as an alternative to life, and in fact mostly try to avoid thinking about death at all. Death is creepy. Too many things can go wrong once you’re dead, and no one even knows what those things are! What if Dante was right? I’m sure there are several sub-circles of Hell reserved for someone who openly mocks the Salvation Army bell ringers. Regardless, my point is, even though this has been one of the worst periods in my thirty years of life, and even though we might as well be living in Forks for all the sun I’ve seen in the past month, and even though it seems like everyone else is doing it, I would still always choose to suffer through 500 OxiClean commercials in a row than to find out what’s behind the Door Number 2.
And really, this post is not meant to be a downer at all, more like calling a truce. Which, after the week (month, year) that I have had I would say means something significant. Hey, being in a weirdly contemplative mood is better than being in a depressed one, wouldn’t you say? Yes. I agree, now we can all move along.
Jul
1
Wrong
Filed Under Uncategorized | 22 Comments
Everything feels wrong. It’s the second day of summer vacation and I am more miserable than I’ve been since the first week of the breakup. Nothing appeals to me, I don’t want to do anything. I should be riding my bike, having lunch with Chris, going to the farmer’s markets, participating in the Whip It Up challenge, planning trips to the beach house, sitting out in the sun.
Instead, my life is boxed up in two different locations, I have been on the phone with my insurance company all afternoon because someone side-swiped my car last night and didn’t leave a note, and the only thing of importance on my calendar seems to be dentist appointments. We’ve seen maybe a grand total of 5 hours of sun in the last 31 days and I am tired of it. I’m tired of it being 65 degrees, when it is now July. Also, the parking situation at my new apartment is not looking good. Apparently the City of Boston does not give out temporary permits for subletters, nor do they do visitor passes, and when I asked what they suggested I do about my car for the next two months they responded, “Pick a different city to live in.”
Well then. Thank you for that. After that pleasant conversation I went outside and found a $40 ticket on my windshield. It’s like they knew how much I hated them and came to reward me! My life, it is awesome to behold.
As I was typing this, I decided to try to call the HR department in my school district again because, you know, I enjoy calling the same place over and over again with no response. Plus, I am already feeling so abysmal that I felt it couldn’t hurt to add a little insult to my already egregious injuries. Since I still haven’t received a contract for next school year I am technically entitled to file for unemployment benefits today, but because I am a nice person I decided to give HR the benefit of the doubt that they have already sent out the contracts and mine just happens to be missing.
I finally got in touch with someone there and told her my name and she asked, “Hmm, did you teach here last year? I can’t find a file on you at all!” Umm, yes, lady, I have been teaching there for the LAST FOUR YEARS and I hope that by “I can’t find your file” you mean “I am looking at your file right now and here is your contract!” because otherwise shit is going DOWN. Alas, no, she declared she needed to call me back after she has “researched” where the contracts have gotten off to. The incompetence makes my soul ache.
Only seventeen more days till I bail on this country. I hope the UK is ready for this ray of sunshine heading their way!