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Ugh. Everything is such a mess right now. I’m a mess. My apartment is a mess. I had a mini-meltdown yesterday when my three year-old godson was whining that he wanted to go home and all I could think was, “so do I, buddy”, but I don’t even have a real home to go to at the moment so I just hugged him instead. The apartment is half-filled with boxes. I can only pack so much stuff at one time before the water works start up. I swear, if I could Eternal Sunshine my memories out of my head right now I would totally do it, it would make my life 100% easier.

The mornings are the worst. I wake up feeling miserable and it takes a few seconds for my brain to kick in and remember why. During the day I’m mostly okay, except when I’m not. I’m angry at Chris- for lots of reasons, but partly because he left it up to me to tell all our shared friends. And I know he hasn’t told them the full story, only his modified version. I’m also angry at myself for investing so much. I feel stupid, like somehow I should have sensed this was coming because why should I deserve to be that happy? I’ve already vowed that if I ever date again we will not be living together until I’ve got that marriage certificate. And even then it’s not definite because dividing up possessions sucks worse than anything I’ve ever done. I’ve also decided that any guy I date is not allowed to meet my family until he’s already proposed because until then he would not even deserve to meet someone as wonderful as my mother.

And if I never feel like dating again then at least I know I will always have her. She’s already promised to live to the age of 115 because by then I will be 90 and we will both have had very full lives and we can drive off a cliff in a convertible together and go out in a blaze of glory. Until then we will play Scrabble every night with the cats curled up on our legs and watch bad reality TV and I will never have to worry about her liking someone that I am dating, who will then subsequently break both of our hearts.

Sigh. I know it gets easier, but that feels like very little consolation at the moment.

Wow. You guys, I really wanted to write something today that didn’t totally suck but I am finding it damn near impossible. Probably because of the insane number of martinis I drank last night. My brain is fuzzy with leftover vodka. I have tried clearing it with gallons of water, coffee, green tea, and a piece of pizza that I only managed to choke down half of. (Note to self: start packing lunches again. The cafeteria options of “pizza burger”, pizza, or pizza rolls are not exactly appealing when you’re feeling sluggish already.)

Anyway, I had a fabulous time while imbibing the giant, potent martinis, and also while drinking a beer, and also while eating a grilled cheese at 9:30 pm downtown. This morning, not so much. No one should be forced to deal with sixth graders before 8 am, but especially no one who drank her weight in cocktails the night before. Still, I wouldn’t have done it any differently. It’s lovely to have friends who want to meet up after work on a Wednesday and make bad drinking decisions together!

I do wish I had a nice warm bed to crawl into though. Do you think anyone would notice if I just hung out on the nurse’s cot for a while? She has blankets in there. It’s kind of torturous to think about, really, because not only can I not go home and take a nap but I also have to stay until 8 pm tonight for the Spring Carnival at my school. I would skip it entirely except 1) it’s mandatory, and 2) the Book Fair starts tonight. Normally I enjoy the Book Fair because it means I get free books and money for the library, but it’s really hard to muster the strength to, you know, give a shit. I won’t be here to spend the money anyway! And I will spend the next few weeks taking away all the stupid crap they buy (giant bend-y pencils, glitter pens, slap bracelets) and then use to whip/hit/scratch each other. Sigh. Lately, work just seems like too much work.

My long weekend was spent living by my wise friend Kelli’s motto, “fake it till you make it”. If I keep busy enough it’s harder to dwell on the fact that my life as I knew it was pretty much ripped out from underneath me, all of my stuff is in boxes for the next few weeks, and I am staring down yet another move. In the face of all that, what else is there for me to do but consume copious amounts of wine and pizza? I just don’t know.

As it is, this past weekend I went geocaching with a friend. I had never done it before and it really was a lot of fun, basically a world-wide scavenger hunt where you hunt down “treasure” using a hand-held GPS. I use the term treasure loosely; most of the stuff we found was junk. The main purpose is to find the stuff and move it to another geocache location. I had it in my head that we’d be hiking some trails in New Hampshire, which we did for a while, but then the GPS starting telling us we needed to veer off the trail and bushwhack our way through the forest in search of this cache. It took us an embarrassingly long time to find that first one, but seriously, that thing was buried under leaves and sticks in the middle of the woods in a camouflage box. I am not a hunter, people. I wanted that thing to be neon pink and sitting on top of a rock somewhere just waiting for me. Still, it was fun to traipse around the woods on a sunny afternoon. Maybe I’ll buy my own little GPS and do some scavenging. Who’s in?

I also had some friends over to drink wine in the NH woods. We may have drank a little more than we intended because the night also included getting ice cream, petting goats, and getting hit on by a 17-year old cashier at the grocery store. The next day we woke up hungry and hungover and attempted to get some breakfast. As we walked up to the restaurant we saw the sign saying they were closed, but it wasn’t yet noon and the place was packed. I opened the door and immediately a waitress yells out over the whole restaurant, “WE’RE CLOSED!” We said okay and turned around to leave when she decided to also yell, “THE SIGN IS RIGHT THERE ON THE DOOR”. Which, OKAY, I see it, but I really did not need the rudeness from a trashy NH waitress, thank you. So we ate our sad breakfast in a gas station Dunkin’ Donuts huddled next to the trash can. I am only a little bitter.

We then tried going out on my sister’s boat on the lake but ten minutes in it started to rain so we gave up and headed to another friend’s place for homemade pizza and hard cider. Finally, success!

And so ended my long weekend. In other news, I have secured a roommate for the summer in a sweet apartment in Charlestown. So, yay for not needing to spend the summer cut off from my friends in the woods of New Hampshire. Boo for needing to leave my current apartment that has felt like my home for the last two years. The past two weeks have felt like an entire lifetime; hopefully this last month of school doesn’t end up feeling the same.

So apparently, in addition to making me a weepy, anxious mess, going through a break up has also made me impulsive and a little reckless. After hitting a particularly rough patch on Wednesday afternoon I came to the conclusion that what I really needed was a change of scenery. Where could I go that wouldn’t remind me of Chris? Certainly nowhere around here because we’ve been everywhere together. And you know you’ve gone a little off the deep end when even seeing signs on the highway pointing in the direction of places you’ve been together make you tear up, so. Somewhere new.

New York City? Ruined. We’ve been there together loads of times. We have too many common friends. Staying there with my cousins, while undoubtedly super fun, would just remind me of him and last October when we went for a long weekend, or last summer when we went to the Freak Show at Coney Island. Denver? Also a no-go. We went for a week last April and while I loved every minute of the trip (minus the food poisoning), it would be just too much to go back there alone right now. Hell, I would even take a case of food poisoning if it meant I wouldn’t have to feel this ache in my heart. (But not really, because food poisoning sucks, and I don’t need to add “sleeping curled in a sweaty ball on the bathroom floor” to my list of accomplishments for 2009.) San Francisco? We had already planned and booked a trip there for July which obviously we will not be taking together. It feels weird to go there alone instead, even though a solid day of wine tasting in Napa might make things a little easier.

Even being at my parent’s house in New Hampshire is just a reminder of all the time we’ve spent there over the years.

So instead I went online and looked over some dates and an hour later had a ticket from Boston to London. I’ll be staying in England for three weeks. I truly am excited, there are so many things to see and do and my family there is really looking forward to my visit. People: we are going to Cadbury World. You know you’re jealous! Plus I haven’t been abroad since 1995, which really, that’s kind of forever ago if you think about it. I was still in high school. I’ve been saying I wanted to go back to visit my family for years and now I am getting my chance.

At the same time, I am dreading leaving for so long. I wish Chris was coming with me because I know he would love it. I am nervous about starting the process of making memories without him in them, even though I know it’s what I need. But with a little bit of luck and a stack of paperbacks I am going to strike out for a foreign country where I know only a handful of people and see if I can start forgetting. Now I just have to hang on until July, and hope that no schools try to schedule an interview with me while I’m on my European vacation.

We are now past the one-week marker in the Great Breakup Saga of 2009. You should all be proud of me: yesterday I made it almost the entire day without crying. Sigh. So close.

Here’s the thing. I am a rose-colored glasses kind of girl. Even when things weren’t right or perfect, I could always look to a brighter tomorrow because I knew someone had my back. Now I don’t have that safety net; there’s no one waiting for me to get home every day, there’s no one to listen to my bitter complaints about ridiculous co-workers, there’s no one to make dinner and then sit in front of the TV with, and that’s the awful part. Made even more awful because I know my friends and family really do have my back but it just does not feel the same. So now is the time, I think, to try to rely only on myself. I need to be okay with being alone. I need to know how to deal with anger and frustration and stress on my own. I really can be alone, I know it!

I just… don’t really want to at the moment.

Anyway, my family has been totally awesome about everything. Which, in some ways, makes the whole thing even harder, because they really loved Chris. If they had hated him or even just tolerated him, it wouldn’t feel quite so much like he was also breaking up with them as well.

I know I have said this before, but I can’t help feeling a little bit like I am failing at life. Even though none of the bad things happening are necessarily my fault it still feels like it must be me. Why else would this year suck so righteously? And if I can’t hold together a relationship with my best friend, what hope is there for the future of any relationship?

So, yes. That is where I’m at. But so far today, still no weeping! That has to be a good sign, right?

My life: behold the awesomeness. Times one hundred. Because I enjoy dwelling on the miserable I will now provide you with a little recap of what 2009 has brought me thus far:

• Two root canals on the same tooth
• Broken that same tooth and now need a cool $2600 worth of oral surgery
• Had my job cut after four years
• Watched my aunt suffer through a heart attack, a stroke, and eventually pass away
• Broke up with Chris
• Packed up all my earthly belongings AGAIN, preparing to move to I-don’t-even-know-where yet
• On Sunday, heard the dulcet tones of my cousin backing into my car so hard it crushed the door in (Oh yes, did I mention? My car is in the shop. Again. This is the third time I have had someone hit this car. And I’ve also had the windshield replaced. Then, when I went to pick up the rental car they gave me a ridiculous red Pontiac to pimp around town. COMPARABLE MY ASS, ENTERPRISE. There is no comparing this ghetto Pontiac that smells like cigarettes and B.O. to my vanilla-scented Altima with heated leather seats and push button start. I am pretty sure that at this point the universe is just adding insult to injury.)

And it’s only May! I have been trying to comfort myself (perhaps in an odd way) by thinking up things that could make my life far worse. Cervical cancer! Schizophrenia! A previously undiscovered volcano erupting directly under my apartment! Fire! Death! Swine flu! Nuclear war! The complete annihilation of the internet! Maybe a little melodrama will make my real life seem pretty okay in comparison? So far it’s not really working, but the hope is that if I can retain a little bit of humor at least I won’t feel so completely unlike myself, or quite so lost or anxious.

On the bright side (see? I’m really trying!), all the amazing comments and emails and gchats I’ve been getting over the last few days have made me feel so much better. Really. They’ve helped me have a few moments of clarity in this mostly muddled time and that has been invaluable to me. I was hesitant to write my last post because I do not normally react well to sympathy- I tend to be more of a “just laugh it off” type of person- but writing is currently the only therapy I know. It has gotten me this far, anyway, even if I don’t really know where it will take me from here. Hopefully to somewhere warm and happy and fuzzy. I think I deserve it.

I know of no easy way to write about this, so I am just going to get it out. Chris and I are in the process of breaking up.

The entire thing is very complicated and I have so many emotions about it that I don’t know if I can do it justice by writing them all down right now. My feelings come in waves, crushing sadness in one moment and complete numbness the next. I’ve spent a few days with my parents trying desperately to only feel the numbness.

Our lives are so entwined it’s difficult to know where to even begin separating them. If this decision seems sudden, that’s because it is, but it’s also not; we’ve both known for a while now that we are not heading in the same direction. Although I’m not necessarily a traditionalist I do want to eventually be married and settle somewhere. He has no plans for marriage in the foreseeable future and cannot picture anything being forever. My work is completely up in the air at the moment and he has decided to make work his number one priority.

After more than three years, a large portion of our lives are meshed. We live together. We have the same friends. My family considers him family. We still love each other. We are completely compatible in every way except for one: it seems we do not have a future together. The pressure of trying so hard to see that future has made all the romance and passion fade over time.

I feel lost. There will be no more mid-morning texts just to say I love you. No more gchat sessions filled with ridiculous pet names and cuteness. Almost every restaurant and coffee shop in the tri-state area has been saturated with memories. I feel sad for myself most of the time, but I also feel sad for us, for what we could have been, and also sometimes for him. He moved to this city to be with me. He had no real ties here other than a willingness to try something. It’s unfortunate that it hasn’t worked out the way we’d both hoped, back when there was only the promise of our love.

Still, over many days and many discussions we are doing the best we can. We have agreed to keep the apartment for another month until we can both come up with a reasonable plan. Whether or not I’ll stay here during that month is something I have been wrestling with. While he is still my best friend it sometimes feels too much like we’re pretending everything is okay. Seeing him every day is both comforting and awful, a reminder that we still love each other but not that way. And when I think about how awful I feel the only person I want to talk to is him, but he is feeling similarly awful and neither of us can help each other much.

I’ve put away all the little notes and cards he’s given me over the years. I’m trying to sort things out in the apartment, what’s mine, what’s his, what’s ours. My heart feels heavy with it. It’s begging me to stop, to think this through again, to shut down and not deal with what’s happening. This would be a lot easier if we were angry with each other, if we hated each other; I could use that rage to power me through everything. As it is now, I just feel hollow, and also a little like a failure.

So many things have gone wrong this year. This whole situation feels like it should be happening to someone else, but at the same time I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. So for now I am going to try to keep soldiering on. I have an amazing family and great friends. And whether it’s a good thing or not, I still have Chris, when I need him. I just hope that I will be needing him less very soon.

If you believe in a singular, omnipotent god, maybe you might say that I must have done something to offend him recently. If you believe in karma, the whole “what goes around comes around” business, you’d probably think I must have been a truly terrible person. If you believe in reincarnation, clearly I must have done something really awful in a past life that would warrant this kind of misery.

People. The tooth that has now had two root canals and three temporary fillings broke in half yesterday. And not just the filling, oh no, this tooth is far too much of a bitch to have that happen for a fourth time. Instead, my tooth took all the time (oh, so many hours at the dental school) and money (literally, thousands of dollars) I had invested in saving its ass and flushed it down the toilet by completely splitting up the middle, stabbing me in the gums, and causing me to almost have a nervous breakdown at lunch yesterday.

I used to have these dreams where my teeth would crumble and break and fall out of my mouth. The dreams were so vivid and so horrifying that I would wake up sweating. I read somewhere that dreams about teeth falling out are a sign of anxiety about something going on in your life; so what does it mean about my life that my teeth are ACTUALLY FALLING OUT OF MY HEAD? Okay, that’s not totally true. It’s still in my head. But it’s wobbling around in there and the idea of accidentally swallowing it is freaking me out so bad it’s giving me a pounding headache. Or is it the actual tooth that’s giving me the headache? Or, I don’t know, the awesome sinus infection I’ve developed as well? Whatever the case, my head is a mess of pain. And worry. I know everyone thinks librarians are living the high life with our exorbitant salaries and all but I seriously make so little money it’s bordering on pathetic and seeing as how I can’t even afford to go to a regular dentist and instead subject myself to the torture of a dental school I do not see how I am supposed to continue paying the exorbitant fees to keep my teeth intact.

Look, I brush my teeth twice a day. I floss. I use a fluoride mouthwash. It’s not my fault I have the teeth of a child! What else can I do? All I know is, for the price of a sweet Caribbean vacation I have now had two root canals and three fillings in ONE TOOTH that will now probably have to be pulled anyway. Anyone want to try the old string tied to a doorknob trick with me? I’ll give you a dollar.

FINE. Two dollars.

By my calculations, I have five Mondays left until the end of school. That is, if I don’t include this one (because really, just getting here in the morning is the hardest part) and the Monday we have off for Memorial Day. That’s seven weeks till the freedom of summer vacation, and seven weeks until I know if I will be staying on here for a fifth year or if I will be shoved off to another school in the Great Money and Paperwork Shuffle of ‘09. I asked last week when I would know for sure what the plan was and the general response was June 29th. That is because on June 30th I can start collecting unemployment if they haven’t yet placed me somewhere and the superintendent might be a huge douche but is not stupid enough to pay cash money for his own indecision.

This Monday morning I was actually doing okay. I was running a little later than usual, but it was nice out and Chris was coming home from Florida and I was happy to think of seeing him when I got out of work. I got into my office and started browsing through emails and noticed one with the listing of all the posted jobs in the district. I started to read them and THEN MY HEAD EXPLODED.

Under the listing for the new English teacher they are looking to hire at my school, the responsibilities are (and I quote!):

• Design and develop learning activities that integrate computing and technology in a variety of subjects for diverse student populations.
• Teach students to use computers for problem-solving, data collection, information management, communications, presentations, and decision-making.
• Work with other teachers to integrate technology into curriculum, activities, interdisciplinary units, and special projects.

Does this job sound suspiciously familiar to anyone?!

Please note that there is not one mention of reading, writing, grammar, or literature. For an ENGLISH TEACHER POSITION.

WHAT.

THE.

MOTHERF*CKINGBULLSHITISTHIS?

I have spent the last three days trying (mostly in vain) to quell the evilness that comes along with hormones. Also, I would like to add PMS to the list of many reasons why I do not believe in god. If god had created women, he would have made it so that we would have happy hormones once a month instead of unleashing the devil on the rest of mankind. Now science, on the other hand, would definitely have made us evil once a month as a defense mechanism. Science is a real bitch that way.

Here is how my my week has gone:

Wow, after having a few weeks of non-stop guests in my house it sure will be nice to be all alone for a few days with Chris in Florida! (WHY THE FUCK DOES CHRIS GET TO GO TO DISNEY WORLD WHILE YOU ARE STUCK HERE GETTING YOUR WINDSHIELD REPLACED AND HOPING YOU DON’T RUN OUT OF FOOD BY MONDAY BECAUSE YOU WILL LIKELY KILL EVERYONE IN THE GROCERY STORE IF YOU ARE FORCED TO GO THERE ALONE.)

Hey, that was weird. I don’t usually hear voices in my head like that. You know what? I think I’m going to do something nice for myself. I’ll ride my bike down to Harvard and get a bubble tea, and maybe a nice mani and pedi while I’m there. (OH YOU THINK SO, DON’T YOU? WELL GUESS WHAT, IT’S GOING TO RAIN AS SOON AS YOU GET FAR ENOUGH AWAY FROM YOUR HOUSE TO MAKE IT NOT WORTH IT TO TURN AROUND AND THEN YOU ARE GOING TO SIT THERE AND GET A MANI AND PEDI FROM A GIRL WHO IS PROBABLY TALKING ABOUT YOU IN KOREAN BUT YOU WON’T HAVE A CLUE BECAUSE YOU ARE DUMB! AND YOU WILL JUST SMUDGE ALL YOUR NAILS IMMEDIATELY ANYWAY SO WHY BOTHER?)

Geez, someone is being a real bitch in my head. That can’t be me. Should I be worried? Oh well, it’s time to go to yet another union meeting. I hope there’s some good news about my job! (YOU FOOL. THERE WILL NEVER BE GOOD NEWS ABOUT YOUR JOB BECAUSE PEOPLE DO NOT CARE ABOUT LIBRARIES. GIVE UP NOW AND GO ON UNEMPLOYMENT UNTIL IT RUNS OUT AND THEN GO LIVE ON THE STREET LIKE THAT GUY THAT TOLD YOU TO FUCK OFF AFTER YOU GAVE HIM A DOLLAR, PROBABLY BECAUSE A DOLLAR WON’T BUY HIM ANY METH.)

Aww, Chris called to say hi and that he saw someone in the library watching Librarian: Quest for a Spear. That’s nice that he was thinking of me even though he’s busy. (EXCEPT IF HE WAS REALLY THINKING ABOUT YOU HE WOULDN’T CUT YOU OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF A COMPLAINT TO SAY HE’S ON HIS WAY TO DISNEY WORLD FOR A FANCY DINNER AND THEN GOING TO SEE STAR TREK AT UNIVERSAL STUDIOS WITHOUT YOU SO HE’LL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW INSTEAD, HE WOULD FLY HOME RIGHT THIS SECOND AND COMFORT YOU ABOUT THIS WRETCHED WEEK AND TELL YOU NICE THINGS AND CUDDLE UP ON THE COUCH WITH YOU. BUT YOU ARE ALL ALONE!)

Sigh. Well, there’s always iced coffee to brighten my Friday morning, and I know my good friend Andy will be by bright and early to ask what I’d like him to bring me. (HA HA ANDY IS GOING TO FORGET YOUR ORDER BECAUSE HE HAS MORE IMPORTANT PEOPLE WHOSE ASSES NEED KISSING FIRST AND-)

Hey you know what? Shut your evil hole. Here’s Andy right now with my delicious, delicious coconut iced coffee and it tastes like the beach and I am going to enjoy my Friday SO STEP THE FUCK OFF.

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