What I’m Reading
Dec
30
Pre- and Post-
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I would be embarrassed to actually list for you all of the presents I got this year. Suffice to say, Chris and I are very spoiled, but rather than hold that against us I think you should thank us for boosting the economy just a little bit. In the end I gave Chris a beer-brewing kit for which he is already planning some type of eggnog beer, a new wallet, a vintage robot that he played with all morning, a super cool case for his iPhone, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I got not one, but two beautiful dutch ovens (and not the kind you get in bed, either!), one of which will be returned by my mom for something she can keep for herself. I also got a balance ball chair, some awesome knee-high boots, and about a million other things, including a ton of clothes that my mom gets full credit for picking out.
And not only was Christmas a festival of gifts, but then the sales afterward were really just too good to pass up. When you are on a six-hour drive from western New York to Boston the idea of spending a few hours at the outlets is very, very appealing, especially when you can see the 70% off sale signs at Banana Republic from the highway.
On Christmas Eve Chris and I gathered up all our stuff and went to spend the evening with my parents. Chris insisted on packing the XBox and the entire Rock Band set up, including the drums and the microphone. I told him that there was NO WAY he was going to get my parents to play. My mom would be complaining about how loud it was and my Dad would be sleeping on the couch and it would be just one more thing to try to cram into the car. So we got there and enjoyed a dinner of epic Chinese food proportions and then Chris started dragging out the instruments. To my surprise I could see a glimmer of interest in my parents eyes- people, by the end of the night, both my parents were ready to buy an XBox of their own just to be able to rock out in their living room. If you have never heard your dad sing Blondie’s “One Way Or Another” I highly recommend it. If you want to pass out from laughing, that is.
Christmas Day was indulgent, to say the least, and when we finally got to my aunt’s house for dinner we were already stuffed full of baked goods. Luckily, we got to take a break from eating for the infamous As Seen on TV gift exchange! It all happened so fast I was unable to document it properly but in the end I took home a PedEgg (hooray!) and the Big City Slider Station (double hooray for mini-burgers!), while Chris ended up with a game called Shocking Autopsy which is basically Operation, only with pain involved. We were planning on breaking out the Shocking Autopsy game once we’d all had a few drinks but there ended up being too many kids around, so we brought it home. That night we threw in three double A batteries and decided we’d try a round. How bad can a shock from double A batteries be, really? SO BAD I THREW THE ENTIRE GAME AWAY FROM ME. Turns out, double A batteries pack quite the punch. I then demanded that Chris try as well, and he was actually trying to remove something without touching the sides when WHAM, he was shocked too and threw the game down. Needless to say, the batteries came out immediately and the game was boxed back up, never to be looked at again. Until I meet someone I really don’t like. Or we get really, really drunk and make other people try it. “No, it’s fun! Really! DO IT!”
And that was our Christmas. Stay tuned for my next post about our time spent in Rochester, wherein Chris’s mom asks me if I believe God created the universe. Do I lie and tell her yes, or freak her the hell out and tell her no? Only time will tell.
Dec
23
Hoping You Get the Retailers Out of the Red This Holiday Season
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Hey now. It’s my last day of work before the holidays, the only day of work before I’m off till the 5th. We were supposed to work yesterday as well but as I am sure you have all heard, Boston is covered in a billion feet of snow and half of the sidewalks are not cleared and so there was no school. Again. Which, great, I love me some random days off, but it’s likely you will all need to remind me of that fact when June rolls around and I am sitting in an oppressively hot office complaining about sweating through my tank top.
Anyway, I am here now and it is very quiet. Looks like the parents of these darling students took advantage of the short week and left for their fancy vacations early. When I asked the couple of kids I had in class this morning what they were doing for the winter break two of them were going to Europe, one was going on a cruise, and the rest had vacation homes where their families all met up for the holidays. NICE LIFE, CHILDREN.
Of course I can’t complain because none of them get to spend the holidays with Mumsy Lou and her famous french toast casserole. I mean, sure it would be nice to wake up in my chateau in Provence on Christmas day, but what is even better is sleeping on an air mattress at my parent’s house in New Hampshire and having the cats run over my chest all night so I wake up raked with claw marks. That is the true spirit of Christmas!
Right after Christmas we are heading out to Chris’s native lands of East Rochester, NY. I made the mistake of looking at the projected 10-day weather forecast for that area and it basically said SHIT LOADS OF SNOW every day. So, awesome. I like to keep my weather patterns consistent. There are some redeeming factors though, mainly that I will get to see people that I have not seen since last Christmas: Kirsten and her boyfriend, the Reed clan, and the lovely Allie, whom I was supposed to see in October but on whom I bailed in order to go to NYC. Also, there will undoubtedly be BBQ, and that almost makes up for a six hour drive in the snow.
So this is likely my last post until after the holidays. I wish you all a very merry week! I hope you all get whatever it is you’re wishing for most. And make sure to stay tuned for post-Christmas updates; I know you’re all DYING to see what I get from my As Seen on TV gift swap!
Dec
21
Christmas Decorating
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Merry Christmas week! Someone here in New England must have really been wishing for a white Christmas because after two days of non-stop winter, there are now fifteen inches of powdery white (and gray) snow out there. And guess who got to shovel it all? I’ll give you a hint: not the guy who is frolicking around Florida right now in a t-shirt.
On Friday I headed up to the old homestead to hang with my padre and the Mumsy Lou. We spent some time procuring and decorating a tree, and as I happened to have my camera with me I thought I would document some of my very favorite Christmas decorations that go up every year.
Here we have the the Little Gnome Facts book. We have this in full-size somewhere, too, and I’m pretty sure all things gnome were a product of that mysterious era, the seventies. Did anyone else have this book? One of the pictures shows gnome boobs. As you can imagine, this was completely fascinating to a young NPW. Now, I realize it’s just kind of gross.
There are a whole series of ornaments that were purchased from a SARC craft fair from when my grandmother volunteered for them. Looking at the ornament today, I realized I couldn’t quite remember if the R in SARC stood for Retired or Retarded. I’ll leave that part up to you. Oh, and it holds Hershey’s Kisses in its mouth!
That kiss is vintage Hershey’s: straight out of 1982.
Every year there is some story told about this ornament involving Pee Wee Herman; something involving his aunt or grandmother or someone who once saw him skulking around a movie theater made this ornament and gave it to my sister. The word of the day is: creepy. Ahhhhh!
Made by yours truly! I don’t think there are enough handmade ribbon balls these days.
Rockettes or transvestite porn stars? You decide!
My sister and I argue every year over who gets to keep this tiny, tiny Santa and take him home. We can never agree, so he remains at my parent’s house with his sad little burnt sack, the result of a tragic Christmas light bulb accident.
A true NPW special. This is my most favorite ornament of the whole lot. Honestly, what CAN’T you do with pipe cleaners? Here we have some kind of animal with a pipe (the bent orange thing next to his nose) and flowered “hat”. Note the crazed look in its eyes: their googliness has become progressively less googly over the last two decades. I’m afraid the old adage might be true; if you make a face long enough, it will get stuck there.
Because my mom is hardcore, she has hand-sewn each of our stockings. There are no store-bought socks at the NPW house! However, please note that my mom’s stocking up top is twice as large as my dad’s. I could fit a new coffeepot in that stocking. She claims that its large size was an accident, but I don’t hear her complaining come Christmas day.
While not technically a Christmas decoration, this one-eared cat statue was a Christmas gift from my sister to my parents. Oh, those crazy middle school days when your art class project could be wrapped up and handed off as a thoughtful present! But still, it’s better than my present that year…
A freaky no-faced statue! This was probably from the same era when I produced such talent as the poem “Death Becomes Me” and a moody painting of the ocean in the night time. Note to self: be nicer to my middle schoolers. Adolescence is rough.
And there you have it. I’d like to assure you that my mom also has a large number of normal decorations, but really, what’s the fun in that?
Dec
19
Well, my parents finally have power again, just in time for the foot of snow that’s predicted for this afternoon. It’s supposed to be even heavier in the city, which is unusual, and is also one the reasons I am driving up to NH after work today instead of just going home and hunkering down. The other reasons being, my parents have a garage, which I will steal, and Chris is currently in Florida (jerk) visiting his Dad, so I would be snowed in alone for days on end if I stayed in the city. I’m sure you all feel bad for me and my weekend of loneliness, but don’t worry, I’ll hang out with my mama and the kitties and possibly make my dad take my car for an oil change and then take me to dinner while I’m milking the parental care.
And also you probably don’t need to worry because yesterday they preemptively declared a snow emergency for today, which means yours truly gets to skip out of work at 11 a.m. and hopefully avoid everyone else who is also bailing out early. Of course, it’s also supposed to snow all day Sunday so it’s a possibility that I will get stuck in the wild woods of the New Hamp, but as long as there’s power I think it’ll be okay. Better than trying to park on city streets during a snow emergency, anyway.
Since I don’t want to bore you all to tears about the New England weather any longer I thought I would fill you all in on a super secret (except not really) project I’ve been working on with RA. She had the brilliant idea to start an online book club and invited me to be one of the very first contributors! So beginning the first week of January I will be posting every Tuesday for a month over at Very Bookish about one of my favorite young adult books: Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins. Even if you don’t read the book I’d love for you to stop by, throw Very Bookish in your feed reader, and enjoy my wonderfully pithy commentary on the book. Also, I am already planning on recruiting Chris to reenact scenes from the second half of the book and I promise there will be PICTURES.
You definitely won’t want to miss it.
Peace out, winter lovers, and I’ll see you on Monday!
Dec
17
Delays
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First rule about having a blog: never talk about the weather. Second rule about having a blog: NEVER TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER.
So, how about this crazy weather, huh?
Last week I thought the ice storm and its ensuing power outages were kind of funny in a “I still have heat and electricity” kind of way, but since my parents and sister have been without both for going on six days now and half the teachers at my school are also still without power, the humor has started to wear off. People are mean when they’ve had to do without a hot shower for a week, and besides, it’s less fun to sit bundled up all cozy and warm with the heat blasting on you and the Christmas tree all sparkly when you know there are people huddling on a cot with their kids at a shelter not a half hour from your house.
What makes it worse is that the weather has really been all over the place- Monday it was 64 degrees in Boston, yesterday it was hovering around 50, and this morning there were four inches of snow and a two-hour delay at school. Even more crazy, the town where I work is located in a valley area that ways gets hit with more cold weather and snow than the city (which is on the ocean), so there are days when I get the school cancellation notice and look outside to sunny skies.
Anyway, the school delays allowed me to sleep in a bit, but the universe then balanced that out with a hellish commute and a library full of insane, hyper-caffeinated children. I did collect three cell phones and five hats for my cause, my cause being “NO CELL PHONES OR HATS IN THE LIBRARY”. I told the pissed off children that it would be a lovely opportunity for me to meet their parents when they came in to retrieve the phones.
One darling boy asked if he could take the battery out of his cell phone before I took it so that no one could read his text messages. I replied, “Oh no no no, how else will I know where the party is at this weekend?” If only you could have seen the look on his face; it really made the whole horrible morning worth it.
Also, can you imagine how hilarious it would be if I really did show up at their parties? “Hey kids! NPW’s here, let’s break out the CAKE!” Seriously, people: I have to amuse myself somehow.
Dec
16
Warning: Rant Ahead
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You are all lucky I am writing this today instead of sitting in a jail cell for clocking another teacher straight in the teeth. So this teacher shows up in the library with her entire class in tow and plops them all down for SILENT READING. Which, fine, whatever- she didn’t sign out the library like she was supposed to, but if she wants them to read here instead of in the classroom then far be it from me to discourage that.
Except there was a group in here who HAD signed out the library and they were working on an awesome group quilt project. Suddenly, bitchy teacher stomps over and tells the quilting class they are being rude because they are talking while her class is trying to READ SILENTLY. After she is done bitching at them, I simply mentioned that they had signed out the library to do exactly what they were doing and I didn’t think they should be reprimanded for it.
People, she put her HAND IN MY FACE and WALKED AWAY as I was talking to her, in front of students and other faculty! Do you have any idea how hard it was for me not to form tackle her into the ground? I DON’T THINK YOU DO. But the other faculty members had my back. They glared at her (from a distance, we didn’t want to get too close in case she was rabid), until the end of class when I tried to approach her again with a sickly sweet smile plastered on my face.
Do you know what she did? She told me, “If you think the library should be a place for yelling and screaming, we have a different idea of what a library is.” You know what I said? “Which one of us has a degree in Library Science, bitch?!”
Okay, no I didn’t. But I wanted to!
Instead, there will be drawn out process involving the Principal and other teachers and I will have to put on my politically correct attitude and discuss procedure and protocol and appropriate colleague behavior. Honestly, I think a cage match would be a better arena for us to settle our differences. Our differences being, she is an intolerable beeyotch and I am not.
Dec
14
Bad Dates and Perspective
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Lately I’ve been hearing and reading a lot of bad date stories. I’m not necessarily talking about the kind of bad date stories where someone finds themself crawling out the restaurant’s bathroom window to escape, but more like a series of completely innocuous, not-one-bit-of-a-spark type of dates. Or, conversely, the type of date where someone seems to have a great time, only to never hear from the other person again. I don’t know, I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while and I thought maybe this is just the way things are now; it’s an age where it is entirely too easy to blow someone off via text or email or IM without any kind of accountability. But my friends who are very much in the dating scene are just as perplexed by this bad date phenomenon as I am.
Of course, that’s not to say that after one or two dates it’s not appropriate to email someone a gentle, “I’m just not into you” letter. You have no real responsibility to see someone again in order to let know you’re not interested, and back in the dating days before Chris I certainly took opportunities to do just that. I guess it just seems like I hear fewer and fewer good date stories and I’ve been completely underwhelmed at the lack of common courtesy that many people exhibit with such abandon.
I’ve been thinking lately that it’s when you find that someone towards whom you feel a real responsibility, that’s when a real relationship- friends, significant others, spouses- can form.
Chris and I have been together for almost three years now. We love each other very much, but that is not to say that it is always a fairy tale love. We each have flaws, but I like to think that we try to work on those flaws in our own ways and keep each other in mind when we do. I come from a family where the silent treatment reigns supreme and that type of non-communication drives Chris crazy. He comes from a family where they shove the “Never get married! Never have children! It will RUIN YOUR LIFE!” mantra down his throat, and that drives me crazy. My family loves Chris like a son and a friend, Chris’s family loves me like… well, like an adopted stepchild from China, twice removed. Which isn’t to say they don’t like me! They do. They just don’t personally care whether or not I grace them with my presence, whereas my family would be horrified if I showed up somewhere without him. It’s a very different dynamic, and one I don’t really know how to handle gracefully, but I’m working on it.
And so I find myself thinking about what it takes to make a relationship work- because anyone who says it’s not work is either a bullshitter or delusional. With past relationships I always eventually found myself at a point where I would look at my significant other and think, I just don’t care anymore. The work outweighed the good, and from that point forward there was no making it better.
With Chris, the good always outweighs the bad. When things are difficult, I know they will get better. When I walk around the house cleaning up after his scattered ADD projects, I know if I mention to him that it bothers me it would be better than if I silently and angrily just picked everything up. I have an eternal optimism that he and I can work out anything. Life is difficult, that’s the whole point. Things are not always going to be easy, but if you have someone on your side helping you along- well, that’s really the best you can hope for, isn’t it?
Maybe that’s why the dearth of good dating stories has got me down. I feel like so many people (my friends excluded, natch) underestimate how important it is to have that person on your side and are only looking for the sweeping fairy tale romance. The romance is great too, of course, but it’s certainly not the only thing, and not even the most important thing.
Or maybe I’m just too much of a realist for my own good.
Dec
12
Live From My Couch
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Hello, you sad people who have to work today! This morning I rolled over to look at my clock and mumbled, “I hate 5:30″ when suddenly my phone was ringing and I was hearing the sweetest words in education: SCHOOL CLOSED DUE TO INCLEMENT WEATHER. Hooray, ice storm! And it’s the very best kind of storm, too; one where there is horrible weather in the town where I work but is completely fine in the city. I can actually see the sun peeking out a little bit right now.
So this work week ended up being super short. After I took a “sick” day on Monday, I was out all day yesterday at a Quiz Bowl match where my kids totally destroyed the other teams. Seriously, it was like there was no contest, they won in every category. I was happy for them until the very end when I caught one of my kids in the line where they congratulate each other saying “we won, we won” instead of “good game, good game”. Little punk. To his credit, he did tear up a little when I told him there was no place on my team for sore winners, but really it’s a discussion to be had with the whole group because I have never before encountered such a group of babyish smart kids.
It all started on the bus ride over when I heard a group of boys singing BINGO and squashed that immediately. Maybe I sound like a bitter old lady killing the kid’s joy, but the bus drivers in our district look like they would knife you as you were stepping off the bus and I didn’t need to provoke them with any off-key renditions of 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall. As soon as that crisis was averted I overheard the “Hey, Tim!” “What?” “You’re stuck with it!” game being played, as well as a group of girls saying ewww about boys. I didn’t realize I signed up to teach KINDERGARTEN, kids.
Sigh. Anyway, they are smart kindergarten kids at least, so we came back to school victorious. It was nice that everyone was so excited for them, but I’m almost glad that our next match is against the notoriously brilliant Catholic school down the road; maybe it will knock some humility into my kids.
And today, glorious today, gives me a three day weekend. What should I do with my time? Shopping? Lunch on the town? An afternoon movie? Or the most likely option: pajamas on the couch, watching Price is Right? I’ll let you all know on Monday!
Dec
10
An Unexpected Gift
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This morning I was going about my business, putting together a list of books on the fertile crescent (isn’t my life completely fascinating?), when one of the Chinese ladies approached me with a pile of scarves. She has a very thick accent, so when she started talking I just assumed she was offering me one of them by the way she was insistently pushing the pile into my hands. I looked through them and exclaimed, “pretty!”, and tried to hand them back to her but she kept shaking her head and saying, “No, you. You!”
Being the intelligent, well-read person that I am I repeated “Me?”, while pointing at my chest. She nodded vehemently and waved her hand over them like she was Vanna White. “You pick!”
So I did. I tried to make some conversation and she seemed to understand me but I had a hard time deciphering her answers. Basically, what I got out of it was that they were from China (duh), they were silk, and she was giving them to the teachers. I thanked her profusely and put it on right away as an extra show of appreciation- it really is cute! Of course, as soon as I picked one out I saw the Spanish teacher with an even prettier one that I eyed jealously, but a gift is a gift, even if I should have gotten first pick for letting the Chinese family live in my library.
But seriously, so much better than the fried rice I got last year; it was delicious, but my library smelled like pork for weeks afterwards.
I honestly don’t think I could make this stuff up if I tried.
Dec
8
Homelessness and Homophobia: What the Holidays Are Really About
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This is one of those times when I wish I could be sure Chris wasn’t reading my blog because OH MAN, I need some advice on the presents I’ve gotten him so far. I mean, I know he is going to like them all, that’s not the problem. It’s more like I want confirmation on certain aspects of the presents… well, you have no idea what I’m talking about anyway so I will just keep gifts out of this forum and hope for the best with my choices. Besides, that’s why God created gift receipts, right?
Anyway, I’ve been breezing right along with my shopping this year except for a few minor hold ups. Annually, my mother is the most difficult to buy for because when I ask what she wants this year I get answers like, “plane tickets to Bermuda”. Which, I think she might have me confused with her rich daughter because if I could purchase plane tickets to Bermuda at the mo’ I’d be boarding that plane myself. Peace out, twenty-degree-Boston!
Over the weekend Chris and I were aimlessly wandering around the mall looking for ideas for his twelve year old niece. I thought of a bunch of things that the kids in my middle school were looking to get and suggested fifteen different things. All of them were met with ambivalence, since I don’t know his niece very well and have no idea what she’d want. Finally I suggested he call her mother for ideas and when he asked if she’d like a Hollister gift card he heard his niece in the background shout, “I want a Red Lobster gift certificate!” Either she is a strange child or I am completely out of touch with the desires of the middle school set.
Also, I had no idea that the Salvation Army is so anti-gays and I’d like to thank all of you who pointed that fact out to me. Now I don’t have to feel badly every time I skip past the bell ringers with grocery cart full of food and a Starbucks latte in my hand. While out trying to buy a tree this past weekend we saw a sign that the Boy Scouts were selling them and I thought we might check it out, but Chris informed me that they are anti-gay as well and that was the end of that. Sadly, it also put an end to Girl Scout cookies for me, but I guess that’s a fair trade-off for not having to dump all my spare change into those red pots.
Instead I’ll just continue giving my change to the homeless dudes so they can have a merry Meth-mas. Hey, we all need to get by somehow.