What I’m Reading
Nov
30
Santa’s Got Nothing On Me
Filed Under Uncategorized | 15 Comments
Merry Christmas season! Too early? I totally agree with you, except it is SO NOT TOO EARLY. It’s December! We are mere weeks away from Santa flying down my non-existent chimney to leave me piles of shiny packages. Normally I would take a week or so to bask in the post-Thanksgiving glow; it was lovely and simple and filled with foods like sweet potato praline pie and a bacon-covered turkey. Unfortunately, that glow has been diminished by the realization that the season of gift-searching is now fully upon us and I have about fifty million errands to do in addition to finding the perfect present.
Over the weekend my family picked our Secret Santa giftees. Maybe you recall that the theme we decided on for this year is As Seen on TV, and we also added a spending cap of $30, which seems cruel when there are so many amazing products to be purchased. I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time on the website lately, so let me do you the favor of highlighting my personal favorites.
How did I never know this existed? Do you know how much nylons cost? This one can equals five pairs! I am mad at everyone who knew about this and never told me. I just tried to look at the black “nylons” and it says they are discontinued- if you people had informed me earlier I might have saved myself like, eight dollars at Target! Unless they discontinued it because of possible cancerous side effects, which is also totally possible.
Did you know that it is now entirely possible to make up to twenty-eight delicious slices of bacon in your microwave? We may not yet have flying cars, but dudes: the future is here. And apparently the future contains just as much superfluous punctuation as the present. I wonder if this thing works with the soy bacon as well?
Okay, so maybe this one would be more for my own entertainment than my giftee’s, but is that so wrong? Just close your eyes for a moment and picture a grown adult strapping these wheels onto their shoes. They even light up, for added hilarity.
Hmm. I may need to include a “Medical Bills Not Included” gift certificate with this one.
A Thomas Kinkade special! Plays Christmas carols on the hour! Is there a more surefire way to get my Secret Santa to hate me for life? Maybe. But probably not.
I need to know why this exists; thus, I feel the need to purchase it for someone else so that I can satisfy my curiosity. Sadly I don’t think I can justify buying it for that reason alone, but if any of you happen to buy it, please email me a detailed review. Because that is messed up.
And there are so many more amazing gift ideas! There must be over three hundred different items on the website. A few honorable mentions: the Klassy Kovers Table Cloth that “transforms ugly plastic furniture into pretty patio furniture” but somehow looks uglier than any plastic table I’ve ever seen. The Micro Grill, AKA the “I am completely alone and my life is so depressing that I am now pretending to grill using my microwave”. The Bathroom Butler, serving up t.p. as an entree. Just Enough Oval Breast Enhancers, for those unfortunate women with oval-shaped breasts. Plus: oh-so-much porn. I had no idea that As Seen on TV were also the film crew for Latina Girls Gone Wild, but there it is. You’re welcome.
Nov
26
I’m Thankful. No, Really.
Filed Under Uncategorized | 18 Comments
Thank you, thank you for all the birthday wishes this week! You guys are the best. Turning thirty has been less traumatic than I originally thought it would be, mostly because I have my shiny new gadget to distract me from the aging process. Plus, I am the last of my high school friends to leave my twenties behind so I suppose my teasing them had to catch up with me some time. But between my surprise party, the Facebook messages and Tweets, the blog comments, and the random lunch party my co-workers threw for me yesterday, who has time to dwell on the fact that my osteoporosis has probably started to kick in?
My good mood has lasted all week. That is fortunate, since I just recently got a letter in the mail from the Massachusetts RMV stating that they had been “informed” that my car is still registered in New Hampshire and that I had thirty days to change my registration and plates. So basically someone tattled on me, and I’m guessing it was that new bitch that moved in two houses down- the one who has a driveway big enough for ten cars but still parks her trashy Grand Am on the street in front of her house. Yes, I know I should have changed my info years ago. I’ve been in Massachusetts on and off now since 1996, but it’s always been temporary. College, grad school, every year a new apartment. It seemed like such a hassle to keep changing everything over when I never knew for sure how long I’d be in one place. But now, after two years in my current apartment, I guess it is finally time to admit that I am (mostly) a Bostonian (with New Hampshire roots).
See?! I can’t even fully admit it yet! Maybe there’s still time to move back to NH before the Masshole transformation is complete. Sigh.
Anyway, because I have thirty days before the state of Massachusetts revokes my right to drive (which could be very awkward, considering I also work there), I have started the arduous process of changing my registration. Sounds like it should be simple, right? Show up with your old plates, leave with new ones? Except I’ve already wanted to slice my wrists with my license no fewer than seventy-three times when trying to get information from the RMV. There are forms needed, but no one will tell me which ones exactly. The website claims I need MA insurance before I can even start the process of changing information over, but the MA insurance companies claim I can’t have a policy without a MA registration.
And did you know that Massachusetts car insurance is twice as much as other states because they don’t allow outside companies to bid? So I can’t go with someone cheap like Geico, oh no. Just this last year they’ve opened it up to a couple new companies so I’ve managed to get it down from my original quote of $1900, but HELLO, RIDICULOUSNESS.
But! Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, my most favorite holiday of the whole year, so I am going to take a break from thinking about all the paperwork I have just waiting to be pushed around and I am going to focus on one thing only: TURKEY. What, did you think I was going to focus on being thankful?
Gobble gobble, peeps. Enjoy your feasts!
Nov
24
Holy Crap, I’m Thirty!
Filed Under Uncategorized | 35 Comments
And holy crap, Chris totally pulled off the best surprise birthday party ever!
My sister had invited me out shopping on Saturday (clue number one that something was amiss, the first of many that I absolutely did not catch). Since she never invites me to do anything, ever, I figured why not? I could get some Christmas shopping done! And we could have a sister lunch! All the while she and Chris and numerous other people were just scheming to get me out of the house.
After a day at the mall we got back to my place and all the lights were out. That’s weird, Chris’s car was there. Maybe he’s taking a nap!, Alexis said. A nap? At 6:30 pm? I really don’t think so!, I argued with her, all the way up the stairs to my place. Then I opened the door and everyone yelled SURPRISE! And I had a heart attack and then I think the first words out of my mouth were, “You assholes!”, followed by “This is awesome!” Commence drinking and chatting. Chris had hung up giant posters of me from kindergarten and had pretty decorations. People came from all over the place, my cousin drove up from NYC, everyone brought food and drinks, and overall it was a lovely way to celebrate my entrance into thirtydom.
Because I’ve been bugging Chris about getting an iPhone for months now, he had the brilliant idea to ask everyone who was planning on bringing a gift to instead get me an Apple gift card. Dudes, they came through for me. So yesterday I got my totally pimped out iPhone (at last)! You better believe I played with that thing all day; the Apps store alone was enough to keep me entertained for hours. Because my peeps were so generous with the gift cards I also have like a bazillion dollars left over, which I plan on spending on new headphones and a sleek case.
So, birthday weekend: a total success! A million thank yous to everyone who came, and mad props to Chris for pulling off the secret of the year. I didn’t think he had it in him but I was dead wrong. He even went with me to see Twilight; if that’s not true love, I don’t know what is.
Did I mention he made the invites, as well?
Nov
21
Hey-ho, ladies and gents. NPDubs here with the Friday Morning Smackdown, coming at you live from the library of middle school dreams! Okay, I have no idea what that was. It just came out. Obviously today is not the day to try and be particularly coherent, so I will leave you with a few parting weekend thoughts:
- This weekend is my last weekend as a twenty-something. How do I plan to spend my last few days of spring chicken-ness? Going to see Twilight and probably drinking wine in my pajamas since I have the cough from hell.
- Speaking of Twilight (we were, right?), is it cruel to demand that Chris take me to see it on opening day? It is? Even if I’ve dubbed it an early birthday present? You never know, he might love it! Maybe it will be freeing to let his inner thirteen-year old girl out. Yesterday a bunch of students asked if I was going to the midnight premiere of the movie and I was all, “Hells to the NO, children. Ms. NPDubs needs her beauty rest. And besides, she is this close to being old; from now on she is only allowed to attend matinees.”
- Speaking of my students (shut up about my segues, okay?), yesterday’s Academic Bowl match left me with a searing headache. As I was telling Chris last night, I don’t exactly expect these kids to be mature, responsible people. They are children full of hormones and to think they will be anything less than 100 percent ridiculous is just begging to be disappointed. BUT: it was seriously like I had brought a group of first graders to the match. Whining, complaining, tattle-taling, bitchy bullshit ALL DAY LONG. The worst part is, it’s my own fault! I picked this team! Sure, it was based on teacher recommendations, but I put their names on that roster and corralled them onto the bus yesterday.
- Thankfully next week is a very short week- half day on Wednesday and the rest of the week off. I thought maybe my family would have a mini-birthday party for me but was informed by my mother that it will be combined with Thanksgiving. Which, frankly, I think is a total gyp- we were ALREADY getting together for Thanksgiving, so how is that special? My mother claims that having turkey and presents is special enough. Hmmph.
- What’s truly special though, is that I’ve had Billy Ocean’s Get Out Of My Dreams in my head since 5:30 this morning.
And on that note, this is NPW signing out for the weekend. Have yourself a doozy!
Nov
20
Quiz Bowl, Round Two
Filed Under Uncategorized | 23 Comments
First Quiz Bowl match of the season! Because I am a super nerd, as we have already determined, I’m pretty excited. My kids seem like they’re ready to go, we’ve been practicing hard, and I don’t think there’s much more I could do to prep them for the matches. That’s not to say I think we will win, oh no. I’m pretty sure we won’t win, in fact, because while my kids are excited they don’t exactly inspire me with their genius after conversations like this:
NPW: “Jack, make sure you bring your lunch to the match tomorrow.”
Jack: “I don’t understand what you mean.”
Scott: “Ms. NPW, what do we need to bring to the match tomorrow?”
NPW: “Your lunch and a pencil.”
Scott: “Is the pencil so we don’t get lost?”
NPW: “I don’t think I’m following you. Why would you get lost without your pencil?”
Scott: “Oh… I thought we’d leave it in the auditorium so we would remember to go back there for it.”
NPW: ????
After our practice on Wednesday afternoon:
NPW: “Jenny, are you ready for the match tomorrow?”
Jenny: “We have a match?”
Right now I’m keeping my fingers crossed that we can hit 5th place out of 10. I’ll see what I can do. Wish us luck!
Nov
19
Old And New
Filed Under Uncategorized | 25 Comments
Before I started working in my school there had been no librarian for a couple of years. The woman who had worked here before me was 82 when she passed away and she had worked right up until two weeks before she died. She was just that dedicated to librarianship! Or she was completely out of touch with reality, ancient, and her idiot children allowed her to continue working well into senility rather than attempting to take care of their elderly mother. Either way, after she died the school simply didn’t hire someone to fill her spot since there were budget cuts happening all over the place anyway and they knew they would probably just have to let go anyone that came in during that time.
So my library sat dormant for a couple of years, which in a library is actually a long time. Some of the parents organized a kind of system where they volunteered to be here a couple hours a week so they could check out books. I guess it was a nice thought on their part, but sadly none of them knew how to use the circulation system and so all the records became a librarian’s nightmare: a giant, disorganized mess. They also did not buy any new books for a number of years, nor did they throw away any books that needed to be thrown away. I’ve written about some of the magical finds I discovered upon starting here, but I was also forced to throw away roughly 2,000 books because they were either falling apart, moldy, or completely useless except as maybe a slightly funny blog post about how out of date they were.
So I don’t know if people were disappointed when I came in and threw away thirty years worth of National Geographic, but recently someone wandered into my office with a pile of old VHS tapes and asked if I wanted them. “Err… what are they?”, I asked cautiously.
“They’re videotapes of Annette working in her office! I thought you might like to see her in action.”
Oh, did I. People, she videotaped herself puttering around her office clutching two pairs of reading glasses and muttering about a certain teacher not returning her newspapers to the correct junk pile. Sometimes she reads aloud from books or articles even though there is clearly no one there with her. Now, I think I had an inkling from an early age that I would be a librarian. If you take into account the fact that in elementary school my similarly dorky friend Emily Archambault and I created detailed, organized lists of our personal libraries (oh, so many Sweet Valley Twins), including titles, authors, and descriptions(!) of each book so that we could have our own lending library of two, it’s safe to say I was a nerd even at a young age. But never in all my years did I stop to consider the very real possibility that I would become this doddering old woman on the screen before me.
There were six videotapes with four hours of footage on each and I have NO IDEA WHY. But my promise to you is that if I can find a way to convert these VHS tapes to DVD and upload them to my computer, you are so going to see them as well. Because you don’t even know what you’re missing. It could be a glimpse into my future!
Nov
18
Happy Holidays?
Filed Under Uncategorized | 22 Comments
Back in August my mother mentioned that as a member of the Party Planning Committee she had already started getting stuff together for her staff holiday party. I remember being both bemused and a little outraged that A) my mother was on a party committee, and B) they were already planning for a Christmas party in the summer. Why were they planning so early?! Ridiculous, I scoffed!
Of course now I’m wishing I was as on the ball as my mother because the holiday season has once again crept up on me. Or is it just that the holiday season is starting earlier and earlier? I don’t know, but that sense of panic that I won’t have time to do everything has already settled over me. That being the case, on Saturday my sister and I have planned a shop till we drop extravaganza. We are also in the midst of planning our family’s annual tradition of Secret Santa gifts (this year’s theme: As Seen on TV), and I have once again been declared my school’s official go-to person for rounding up the school’s Secret Santa project (or Holiday Elves, as I have named us in the spirit of non-denominational holiday celebration). Have you ever tried organizing 80 people into a gift-giving frenzy? Even with something as simple as Elfster people don’t read their emails, they don’t read directions, and they can’t figure anything out on their own, which means yours truly gets to deal with the fall out of people not receiving gifts. Happy Christmas, sorry you don’t get anything this year, sucka!
I was also thinking of doing a little something for my senior volunteers this holiday season, but what can I give a bunch of old ladies? Maybe this year I’ll be Evil Claus. Candy for the diabetics! A mix CD of hardcore metal for the 1930’s crowd! Handmade gimp bracelets for Queen Victoria!
Anyway, I was hoping some of you have had brilliant strokes of genius in the gift-giving department that you might want to share with me. I have a few ideas already, but it can’t hurt to stockpile websites for future use, right? For example, what do you buy your boyfriend’s mother when she never buys herself anything, EVER? A question for the ages, that.
Nov
16
Dreams Really Do Come True
Filed Under Uncategorized | 22 Comments
This weekend we made one of my dreams come true: we finally made it onto a Duck Boat Tour! I’ve wanted to do the tour for at least the past decade, but sadly I’ve had many failed attempt throughout the years. It seemed like every time I wanted to hop on board something went awry- sold out tours, lightning, missing the last run. But not this time! The duck boats have been on my Thirty Before I’m Thirty List for almost a full calendar year and the perfect excuse arrived this weekend in the form of Chris’s younger brother visiting from Florida. Because he is a jaded and world-weary eighteen-year old I expected a very lukewarm reaction from him when we announced our plans but I didn’t care; I was too excited.
Woo! We boarded our duck boat and met our guide and sea-faring leader, the Mad Captain. He walked with a cane made from a whaling harpoon! And he had a gold earring! And a mullet braid! Swoon.
Sadly, we did not get a picture with the Captain. He is a very busy and important man. But here’s his back! Mad Cap drove us around the crowded streets of the city noting points of interest, which was all well and good. But THEN! Then came the best part of all. He drove us STRAIGHT INTO THE CHARLES RIVER!
You can see I was very excited.
We made a big splash and quacked our way onto the river. It was actually really interesting to see the view of both Boston and Cambridge from on the river instead of driving alongside it in a car and I loved every second we chugged through the dirty waters of the Charles.
When we got back to the Museum of Science and disembarked from our vessel I asked James how he had enjoyed the trip. Do you know what he said? “It was actually pretty fun.”
I honestly can’t think of a more ringing endorsement, since the most enthusiasm he can usually muster is a half-hearted “eh”. But this, this was PRETTY FUN! I really didn’t believe we could have topped the burrito we bought him for lunch but it seemed we had. I now consider our hosting duties complete.
I even got him to pose for a picture.
All in all, this weekend was a winner. And now I can say with the certainty of a pro, if any of you tourists are thinking of Duck Boating it is well worth the wait.
Nov
14
Help!
Filed Under Uncategorized | 20 Comments
Greetings from the new, very plain design here at NPDubs Land! Yes, I know it is extremely… white at the moment, but I assure you I am working on that. Chris made me an excellent header and I would dearly love to have it up right now except for the fact that I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how to go about doing that. I read WordPress support forums last night until my eyeballs bled and following the CSS code was like trying to read Hebrew blindfolded. As a matter of fact, I have no idea if it’s CSS code that I even need to change, that is how hopeless I am.
I remembered that Noelle has been changing out her header image monthly so I figured it was just my dumb ass that couldn’t figure this stuff out, but when I talked to her last night I was marginally relieved to find out that she does it through WordPress.com and is able to simply upload an image. After working on the problem for a solid three hours I, for the first time since moving my shiznits to its own domain, actually missed Blogger. It may be bulky, cumbersome, and annoying, but it is also idiot-proof.
So if there’s any chance at all that one of you (my darling readers, the light(s) of my life) is knowledgeable in the areas of blog/web design, I would love it if you could offer me some advice. In fact, if anyone out there manages to get my new blog header up and running I will send you the greatest prize package in the world. And even more important, you would also be my new BFF! Just think of putting that on your resume.
This is my way of begging for your help. Is it working?
In other news, Chris’s 18-year old brother arrived last night to spend an (oh so) long weekend with us. He seemed a little more subdued than his last visit but that might be because he had been in the airport for nine hours prior to landing in Boston. Tonight will be the real test, when I get home from a full workday to a teenager who spent the day sleeping, eating burritos, and playing Gears of War. Will he be exhausted from his day of shooting aliens with hot rebar, or will he want to talk my ear off about the sweet crossbow he’s been trying out? At least the kid hasn’t asked us to take him to a club or something. Thank god for small favors, right?
Happy weekend, lovies. Kiss the ring, I’m out.
Update: Thanks Kirsten, for adding my brand new header! You are officially NPW’s favorite person for November.
Nov
13
The Apocalypse is Nigh
Filed Under Uncategorized | 21 Comments
People, I stopped to get gas in New Hampshire the other day and it was $1.99. How is that even possible? That’s like pre-2001 prices! And although I’d like to just accept the fact that I can now reasonably afford my commute to work every morning and move on I can’t help feeling like there is some impending disaster on the horizon that will soon skyrocket the prices up to an insane level. Have people somehow forgotten that there is a war raging on in the country that provides us with most of our oil? And that we are still burning up the same fossil fuels that we are never, ever going to get back? When I bought my car a year ago it cost me $70 to fill the tank. The other day it cost me $39. Something is definitely wrong with that.
I understand that the prices are probably just reflecting the current economic recession. Actually, I should amend that: I understand almost nothing about how the oil prices are determined past the basic supply and demand tenet. But if there is no demand because people can’t afford to drive, then it makes sense that gas stations would have to lower their prices. At least, I think that makes sense; isn’t that how it works?
Why I’m trying to pretend that I have any knowledge of how things work financially is beyond me, but it did bring to mind a story that my dad told me a few years back when gas prices started creeping up and up. Back in the early seventies when there was a similar recession occurring, a stoner friend of his was lamenting how expensive oil and gas had become. Here I think I need to give you some background information on this “friend”- according to my dad, he drove a Cadillac to school every day. In the eighth grade. People: the dude was sixteen in the eighth grade, and my grandparents let him come pick my dad up for school every morning. He also somehow got hold of an 8-track player and rather than have it installed in the car, he simply drilled holes in its roof and screwed the 8-track player to the inside of the ceiling. Of course, being the obvious genius that he was, he didn’t take into account what would happen when it eventually rained. Needless to say, the 8-track player was short-lived.
Moving on, this friend of my dad’s decided something had to be done in order to combat the rising oil prices. Did he write a letter to his Congressman? Stage a sit-in at the Mobil station? Start walking to work? No, no, and no. What this guy did was, he stole an oil truck. Filled with oil. He decided he could make that amount of oil last through the winter, and probably sell some of it off, but he needed a place to hide the truck where no one would ever find it. Where to hide a giant truck filled with oil?…. oh! Right! He dug a giant hole and buried it in the ground. In a city.
I have no idea how he thought he would eventually get the oil out, or how he thought he could bury it without anyone noticing, or even how he thought he would get away with stealing a truck full of oil in the first place, but he did eventually get caught and I’m pretty certain he did some jail time. Which was probably a needed respite for his brain from all the weed and oil fumes. Did I mention his father was the Chief of Police?
Lesson for the day: do not steal oil trucks, no matter how well you think you can hide them.