• What I’m Reading

  

• Recent Comments

  • Michelle | Bleeding Espresso on Livin’ In Suburban Paradise
  • bee on One Week In
  • The Modern Gal on One Week In
  • courtney on One Week In
  • pinklea on One Week In

• Archives

  • September 2010
  • August 2010
  • July 2010
  • June 2010
  • May 2010
  • April 2010
  • March 2010
  • February 2010
  • January 2010
  • December 2009
  • November 2009
  • October 2009
  • September 2009
  • August 2009
  • July 2009
  • June 2009
  • May 2009
  • April 2009
  • March 2009
  • February 2009
  • January 2009
  • December 2008
  • November 2008
  • October 2008
  • September 2008
  • August 2008
  • July 2008
  • June 2008
  • May 2008
  • April 2008
  • March 2008
  • February 2008
  • January 2008
  • December 2007
  • November 2007
  • October 2007
  • September 2007
  • August 2007
  • July 2007
  • June 2007
  • May 2007
  • April 2007
  • March 2007
  • February 2007
  • January 2007
  • December 2006
  • November 2006
  • October 2006
  • September 2006
  • August 2006
  • July 2006
  • June 2006
  • May 2006
  • April 2006
  • March 2006
  • February 2006
  • January 2006
  • December 2005
  • November 2005
  • October 2005

Happy Halloween, fellow internet-mates! I am truly enjoying the Costume Day here at school even though I completely forgot to dress up myself. I did see that the entire team of sixth grade teachers are dressed as cave people in the spirit of their studying Early Man, with one teacher dressed as a piece of fossilized dung. The dung teacher is also doing a lesson today where she shows the kids a picture of poop and they have to guess which animal (or “poopetrator”, as she is calling it) expelled it. The winning prizes are little bags of Raisinets and Tootsie Rolls. I only guessed 2 out of the 5 correctly; clearly I am not the world’s foremost expert on the excrement of the woolly mammoth.

Tonight we are heading out to the craziest Halloween place of all: Salem, Massachusetts. I promise to get pictures, and I think it’s a safe bet that many of them will include way more cleavage than I need to see. I also promise not to get tricked by the crazy Christians this year- the last time I went to Salem for Halloween we were super excited to see a tent with the sign, “FREE PALM READINGS”. Once we got in line for it, we noticed the tiny little “s” in between the P and the A.

FREE PsALM READINGS! Jesus would not like your trickery, church people!

Anywho, in the spirit of the season I am going to give you a list of costumes that I may or may not have worn at some point in the past thirty years. The person who correctly guesses which costumes I have worn will receive a spooktacular prize package from your favorite librarian. Hint: it will probably involve candy. And something library-related.

Get to guessing!

1. Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life
2. A UFO flight attendant
3. Punky Brewster
4. A Thanksgiving turkey
5. A green-haired witch
6. A pink-haired fairy
7. Igon from the Ghostbusters
8. Sheriff of the Old West
9. Hermione Granger
10. A red M&M
11. Annie
12. A hobo, complete with bottle of Jameson’s in a paper bag
13. Purple People Eater
14. A giant screw
15. Creepy Pierrot clown

Good luck! And also, have fun tonight. I hope you get to bob for apples in a vat of Octoberfest beer.

Yesterday morning I got to work absurdly early- or, I should say, even more absurdly early than normal- to have a vacant-looking blond jab me with a healthy dose of flu vaccine. I’m happy to report that she did not manage to break the needle off in my arm; in fact, I barely even felt it and there was not one drop of blood. I should have asked her how she managed to stab a sharp implement into my flesh and not draw blood since lately it seems like all I have to do is think about biting my cuticles and suddenly I’m in need of a tourniquet, but it all happened so quickly and then I was sitting in my office before even seeing the light of dawn.

As for National Blog Posting Month, I think I am leaning towards not doing it. See, the thing is, there are a whole host of reasons why I don’t want to; namely, I’m lazy, it’s not the same as it was back in the day when I started doing it, and I don’t want to go into something if I’m already contemplating how badly I’ll feel when I fail at it. If I do it, I want it to be for real. And I know I can do it, I’ve done it twice before, I’m just not feeling it. And oh, hello! Did I mention I’m lazy?

Then again, there are prizes at stake, so I reserve the right to change my mind by Saturday when the first of the thirty posts is due. Damn, I LOVE WINNING.

And just in case you weren’t already sick of all my political talk, I have a gift for you: I won’t even go into my usual crazy liberal talk in order to bring you an important message! You’re welcome. And just so you know, normally I am very anti-YouTube clips in posts, but there are definitely a few people out there who need to hear this (I’m looking at you, dear sister of mine).

Really. I’m not kidding about this. Get out and vote, or shut your yap.

Thank you for your votes. The election results are in:

Mumsy Lou: destined for greatness. And bonus: she doesn’t live in Alaska.

All kidding aside, I do hope that everyone out there makes it to the polls next Tuesday. Allie wrote a great post about voter preparedness and there is simply no excuse for not voting. Seriously: I am one of the laziest people on earth, but I would go to any length to make sure I got to the polling center a week from today. In fact, if it would help my candidate win I would spend the entire day there, holding signs and waving at people. Hmm. Come to think of it, that might just be a good idea.

If you’re still undecided, CNN has a cool Forum where you can compare your political views to see which candidate would fit you best. Even though I know my views are liberal I thought it would be interesting to test that out. Turns out, I know myself well.

Check it out and see where you stand. From the standings, it seems like everyone from liberal, to middle of the road, to even mildly conservative align best with Obama, but maybe that’s just my own biased opinion. And although I am mostly open-minded and tolerant of other people’s opinions, I can’t help but wish you would all vote with me.

Even though it looks like we’re going to pull this one out, I’d like to add that I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that everything goes according to (my) plan.

*New McMaverick slogan and Mumsy Lou logo courtesy of Chris.

I have way too much business to attend to today, and I need to recruit your help. Since the computer I am working on is lame, I cannot bring you the fun little poll widgets I tried to install. Instead, please leave your wise advice for me in the comments- whatevs, we like to do it up old school here at the NPDubs HQ anyway. Ready? Here we go.

Question 1: Should NPW get a flu shot at the free clinic, even though last year her friend got one and then had to immediately go to the hospital because the needle broke off IN HER ARM?

A) Duh. Of course you should get one. Who wants the flu?
B) Nah, you’re young and healthy. And you currently do not have any needles protruding from your flesh.
C) You should consult a physician first. If you can get an appointment before July of 2009.
D) Don’t do it! It’s a secret government experiment in radiation therapy! Do you want your brain exploding all over the library?!

Question 2: Do you think that NPW should participate in National Blog Posting Month for the third year running?

A) Yes. A post every day of November! Fun for the whole family! Think of all the polling you can do!
B) No. What are you, a masochist? You’re going to post on Thanksgiving? And on your 30th birthday? You are dumb, NPW.
C) Maybe. I mean, you still haven’t told us about that time you threw up on a flight attendant on the way to Chicago.
D) It is a moral imperative to post more frequently than Aaron for the month of November. Do it or die.

Question 3: Is NPW the most ridiculously gigantic blogger you’ve ever seen?

A) What the hell! Mutant!
B) No, drama queen. OPH is just normal height so you happen to look ridiculous next to her.
C) OPH looks like she is super fun to hang out with! (She is, dear readers. She is.) Why do you get to hang out with her and WE DON’T?
D) This question was rhetorical and NPW can’t help it that she’s 47 1/2 feet tall. Meanies.

Question 4: After watching The Shining and Interview With A Vampire on Blu-Ray this past weekend, which Shocktober movie should come next?

A) Jeepers Creepers
B) Halloween
C) It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
D) The Notebook

Question 5: Who is your Presidential pick?

A) Obama
B) Obama
C) Someone stupid
D) Mumsy Lou

Yesterday afternoon as I was running out the door for my emergency crown replacement I saw a half-eaten bag of candy corn sitting on the table. I asked Chris whether or not it would be funny to shove a whole piece of candy corn up into the hole in my tooth and go to my appointment like that. We agreed it would be hilarious, but thought maybe the dentist would not find a giant lump of sugar resting in my cavity as amusing as we did.

I was already running late, so I screeched up the dentist’s driveway and flew inside. Because I was so flustered I thought maybe I had run into the wrong office- it was lit with warm lamps and the smell of pumpkin spice wafted through the air. I turned around to look at the back of the door that had just clicked shut behind me when a tall blond girl asked if she could help me. I stammered that I had an appointment with the dentist? And I thought maybe I had ran into the wrong office, even though I had been there before and totally knew it had to be the right one because it’s in her damn house? And I was sorry I was telling her things in question form?

She just laughed and reassured me that things were going to be just fine, if I would take a seat and wait for the good doctor. I plopped myself down in a comfortable leather armchair and took in my surroundings. It was like being in a spa; no horrible dentist smells, no audible sounds of drilling or screaming from the back rooms. It was really quite nice and peaceful and I wished I were there for a massage instead of having a giant hole in my mouth filled.

When the doctor came out I had curled up in her armchair with my shoes off and a copy of Real Simple. I was a little embarrassed that I had made myself so comfortable, but she just smiled and gripped my forearm. “It’s so nice to see you! Please, come with me.”

As soon as we left the reception area I was bitchslapped back to reality. The glaring fluorescent lights, the smell of novocaine and hot bits of tooth enamel. Her grip was a little too tight now. She pushed me into one of the chairs and tilted it all the way back, as high as it would go, and clamped a piece of blue tarp to my mouth. A dam, she called it. I called it a torture device designed to make me swallow all the leftover bits of filling she scraped out of my tooth, but whatever. You say tomato and all that.

She squirted some pina colada flavored anesthetic around my mouth and after I had swallowed half of that as well she proceeded to prod the open gaping hole she had created in the first place with her stupid root canal. Maybe if I had a better imagination I could have pretended I was on the beach in Costa Rica, sipping Bacardi and pineapple juice out of a coconut shell but the feeling of sharp metal being stabbed repeatedly into my gums kept interrupting.

Thankfully she didn’t take very long to refill my tooth, scraping enough filling cement into my tooth to ensure a week of eating lopsided before it wears down. As she lowered my chair I told her, “You know, I was debating when I came over here if it would be funny to show up with a candy corn stuck in the filling hole.” I looked up and she was holding a shiny metal tool in each hand, smiling at me in a funny way.

“Oh yes. I would have laughed at that. I most definitely would have laughed at that,” she answered, not laughing at all.

I just nodded and started backing out of the small workspace, my shoulder hitting her telescoping x-ray arm. “Okay. Well then. Thank you. For this. My tooth. Have a good Halloween!”

I dashed back through the reception area and out the door. The blond receptionist grinned at me. “Have a good afternoon,” she said, and grinned even wider. And I swear, just for a second, I saw that her eye teeth were just a little longer, a little sharper than most people’s. Then I was out the door and slamming my car door shut.

This morning my wee little sixth graders were happily working on the project I had assigned them, sharpening their colored pencils and writing descriptions of their very own planets, when one particularly tiny little girl suddenly looked up at me. Her face was completely drained of color and she whispered “Can I go to the nurse? I don’t feel well”. No sooner had I nodded and asked if she needed help getting there when a volcano of puke and orange juice erupted from her, all over the library carpet.

When she was done spewing forth the contents of her breakfast onto my workspace I helped her to the nurse who grimly donned her plastic gloves and prepared to clean her up. I got back to the library to find the rest of the class covering their faces with their sleeves. “What are you all doing?”

“We don’t want to get her germs! Can we go to our lockers to get some Purell?”

For real. They keep Purell in their lockers. Hello, overprotective hypochondriac parents! Need I lecture you all on the evils of antibacterial lotion breeding super germs among your children?

“No. No Purell. You all need to relax, it was probably just an upset stomach, Kelly is going to be fine.”

“Well can we at least switch tables?”, they asked in distress. Seeing as how they were surrounded by a pool of vomit at 8 a.m. I can’t say I blamed them.

“Fine. Switch tables and then get back to your projects. I want to see some real progress today.”

As soon as they settled back in to their drawing and the custodian came by to clean up the nastiness I hastened back to my office and scrubbed down my hands and arms in the sink with hot water and soap. Lord knows I don’t need a stomach bug on top of this cold. The rest of the kids… well, stomach bugs build character in children. Right?

But right now it feels more like FAILTOBER. I have the stupid sinus cold and cough that’s going around. The coughing caused me to twinge a back muscle, so, awesome to that. Now it hurts when I sit down and when I stand up and when I lie flat. Hoping to get rid of both the sore back and the cold I took a sick day yesterday, and I was happily sleeping right through first period when Chris suddenly sat up in bed and said, “It’s street cleaning day. You have to move your car.”

I could hear the street sweeper out on the street already but I got up and raced around to throw on some clothes when the doorbell rang. I was totally confused and slow, so I went downstairs wearing a tank top, pajama pants, a jacket, and bare feet to find my landlord’s mother gesturing wildly at my car and speaking in fast Greek. I looked sadly at the street where my car was so close and yet so far away, and ran back upstairs to grab keys and shoes. By the time I had grabbed them and got back down to the street the sweeper was way down at the end of the road, leaving a wide berth of wet leaves around my car. Bah. At least they didn’t tow me, I thought, as I snatched the $50 ticket off my windshield.

After I got over the aggravation I fell back asleep and lounged for most of the day. It was fairly uneventful and involved a lot of coughing, some Price is Right, and some solid Wii time. After I got into bed I was peacefully reading my book when suddenly there was something rolling around in my mouth. What the… my temporary crown! It totally fell off for no reason at all. Again with the awesome.

Today I am back at work, trying to keep things low-key. Because seriously, all I need now is to be shelving books and have my arm suddenly fall off. You know that would so happen to me.

On Friday night a friend of mine had a pumpkin carving party. It was also a drink-a-lot-of-beer party, but not for me because I was driving. Don’t get me wrong, I had a couple of delicious black o’lanterns, but at the end of the night I was definitely the least intoxicated person in the room. We started off working though, I swear. I even have injuries to show for my pumpkin-guts scraping!

Here is the result of all our work:

So mine is the bubbly one on the left, which I thought was a fun idea. Originally I planned on doing the entire surface of the pumpkin in polka dots but my zeal waned somewhere around 45 minutes and two bruises in. Since I am not exactly Bob Ross over here I tried to keep it simple and I was pretty pleased with my work, until Chris mentioned he loved the face on it. Wha huh? There’s no face, it’s just bubbles! Then I saw it. Do you see it? Yeah, it’s a face. Two eyes and a mouth, surrounded by “bubbles” that look more like cystic acne on a teenager. Sigh. Thanks for ruining it for me, Chris!

Of course, his is to the right of mine, the intricate, scary Halloween-faced one. Did I mention he carved it free hand? It’s almost like he apprenticed with a Master Pumpkin Carver for years and years. The man is a font of untapped talent.

When we got home and parked our car we noticed our loud, obnoxious neighbors hanging out on the sidewalk (surprise surprise). As we gathered up our pumpkins the oldest man called over to me. “You don’t want to put those pumpkins out yet!”

I was concerned for the safety of our masterpieces. “Why not? Are there vandals going around?”

“No! It’s just too early. You don’t want to have premature ejackolantern!”

The entire sidewalk erupted in laughter and I looked at Chris. We couldn’t help it, we dissolved into giggles too. So my loud, obnoxious neighbors are witty. It doesn’t excuse them for shotgunning beers in the road, but it just might stop me from calling the cops next time.

I’ve been running on coffee and Benadryl the last three days, so please excuse my rambling randomness. It’s just, I’m still not sure how to balance the lack of sleep and the seventy billion meetings I seem to have every single day. I’ve been trying to get to bed earlier but it doesn’t even seem possible. Thank goodness the debates are over, I’ve done my patriotic duty and watched them all except for an hour during the last one; no way was I missing the finale of Project Runway to watch John McCain stare glassy-eyed at the camera with his silly smirk. Last night I stayed up to watch the Red Sox game and made it to the seventh inning when they were down 7-0. I gave up and went to bed, unwilling to sacrifice sleep to watch them get crushed by Tampa Bay, again. Then as soon as I settled in to sleep they staged one of the biggest comebacks of all time and won the game 8-7 in the last two innings. OF COURSE. Because it is my life goal to miss anything exciting and/or fun.

As for the meetings after school, it’s become commonplace to have at least four 10-hour days a week. I honestly do not remember the scheduling for Quiz Bowl being so complicated last year. It’s like planning seven field trips, plus arranging meetings and providing snacks and such for 75 people, and making sure everyone has pencils and name tags and they’ve studied the right information and OH MY GOD PEOPLE please get off my back. I made the mistake of asking parents to be involved this year- I mean, it’s nice that parents want to know what’s going on with their kids activities, right? But I did not sign up for a listserv of people telling me how to advise the Quiz Bowl team, which is what I ended up with. Lesson learned.

So this weekend I am looking forward to: sleep, getting rid of this sore throat, cleaning and straightening my apartment, and maybe a new Shocktober movie. And pumpkin carving! Oh, and a little Zombie Birthday Bash for someone who knows what it’s like to get old. Maybe good ol’ Ace can give me some tips on how to enter my thirties with grace and style.

Err, right. Maybe not.

Oh well, at least there’s an opportunity to finally see him get drunk on something other than Zima and Jolly Ranchers. Have a ghoulishly fun weekend!

Yesterday afternoon I had a very long meeting that involved going through another person’s library and throwing away all the books that were ancient, falling apart, or had titles like Understanding Computers in 1969. Part of me thought it was fun to ransack this librarian’s stacks of books and throw away all the crap with abandon, but another part of me felt a little bit sad to see all those words go to waste. I mean, someone wrote those books. Someone put care into choosing just the right way to phrase what they wanted to say in The American Girl’s Book of First Dates; who am I to judge whether or not that should end up in the trash pile?

I guess someone has to do it, though. I mean, it wouldn’t exactly be fair to assign a project on STDs and have the kids searching a pile of books about AIDS that were written in 1985. Or give them a project on tobacco and then hand them a book written by J.R. Reynolds in 1974. Or maybe that would be hilarious? I think if I were a teacher I would find that amusing, at least until the kid brought their project home and their parents wondered why their children were suddenly pressuring them to buy cigarettes.

After we finished weeding this guy’s collection of books we had a mini-retirement party for a woman who has worked for the schools for thirty-five years. Thirty-five years! I can’t even imagine being thirty-five years old yet, let alone spending that much time doing any one thing. I mean, I’m totally impressed with myself that I’ve stayed at my job for four years, can you imagine how many kudos I would expect from everyone if I stayed somewhere for thirty-five years? People better be bowing to me in the halls, is all I have to say.

Anyway, someone among our group of librarians had the brilliant idea that we should get her a themed gift. The only things we know about this woman after thirty-five years were: she likes cats, she loves the color purple, and she is gluten intolerant.

The gluten intolerance was not really something we could create a gift around, so I figured our best bet was to do a purple theme. Everything comes in purple now, right? Purple is very in! Alas, that idea was vetoed in favor of buying cat-related gifts. And of course, since I knew about this gift for about a month before we needed to have it I waited until the afternoon of the party to go on Cat Quest 2008. Do you have any idea how embarrassing/ridiculous it is to go in search of cat gifts when you are supposed to be at a meeting in 25 minutes? No? I recommend it. It’s character building.

In the end I purchased a Webkinz cat (they are all the rage… in elementary schools!) a cat calendar, and a cat plate. Let me repeat that: A CAT PLATE. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a decorative cat plate, but now I do. AND I BOUGHT ONE.

Nothing like librarian parties to ruin any social life you might have built up. Oh, and speaking of library hilarity, if you have a few extra minutes and you liked the literal version of the “Take On Me” video, you really owe it to yourself to watch this.

Next Page →

• Blogroll

  • And You Know What Else
  • As I Was Saying
  • blakspring
  • Breathe Gently
  • Bright Yellow World
  • Daily Tannenbaum
  • Definitely RA
  • Du Wax Loolu
  • Everyday Reading
  • Flurrious
  • Free and Flawed
  • Full of Snark
  • Funky Carter
  • Heidikins
  • LizLand
  • Malfeasance
  • metalia
  • More Than A Mermaid
  • Nothing But Bonfires
  • Operation Pink Herring
  • Pat and Fran
  • Slynnro
  • Stefanie Says
  • Subject to Change
  • The Greenists
  • The Prettiest Denny’s Waitress
  • The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy
  • Tiny Tangents
  • What You Think It Is
  • Working Title

• Meta

  • Log in
  • Entries RSS
  • Comments RSS
  • WordPress.org
• Search for: