What I’m Reading
Jan
31
Readers Vote: Will NPW Make It To March?
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I’m going to be honest with you all, I debated not even writing a post today, only because the idea of rehashing yesterday’s technology class seemed so exhausting I wanted to take a nap before I had even begun. I know you have all come to love my tales of idiocy straight out of the schools and into your RSS feeds but to actually have to live through it every week is, in a word, tiring. Much like when I worked for an airline and was surrounded on all sides by a constant low-grade stupidity I find myself drained of energy and ready for bed by 5 p.m. every Wednesday.
Of the two hour class, we spent an hour and a half going over the methodology of creating a hyperlink in Blogger. Sound familiar? That’s because at this point in the class, with eight plus hours logged, I’d say that only about half of my classmates are able to grasp the concept of highlighting a word and then cutting and pasting a url. One woman I noticed had a piece of scrap paper out and was furiously scribbling every url down in red pen because she still did not understand that it is entirely possible to have two different webpages open at once, nor was she aware that there is a far easier method of copying something down involving clicking your mouse a few times. When I revealed the secrets of the Cut and Paste functions to her she looked at me like I had done magic. I’ll admit, I felt a bit powerful; I am the new Mage of Computer Craft. You may all call me that from now on.
Some of this ignorance might be overlooked if, say, there were people in the class over the age of 65. I’d go out on a limb and state that senior citizens would get a pass on knowing how to deftly maneuver the muddy waters of Blogger. Unfortunately I would estimate that half of the class is about my age and the other half are middle aged, which means that there should be no mystery left to figuring out how to use a computer without needing to shout “What the hell did you just do?!” at least ten different times throughout the lesson.
Chris suggested that maybe the teacher is not doing an adequate job covering the topics before he sends these people out to create blog posts all willy-nilly. But despite the fact that the teacher is one annoying SOB I can’t say he doesn’t explain things well. He does just fine. Of course, his teaching method is interspersed with lisping comments like, “I did not have time to comment on everyone’s last post because I have been busy starring in a community theater production of Oklahoma!“, which make me want to vomit into my winter hat, but my winter hat is white and cashmere and it would be a shame to ruin something so cute on a person so absurd.
In the last half hour of class, which is about the amount of time it takes for most people to close down an Internet Explorer window and log off the computer, the teacher decided to introduce a new subject: RSS feeds. It was pandemonium. Most people did not see the point in an RSS feed, since none of them use the internet for anything other than buying ridiculously overpriced items on eBay. The teacher tried to illustrate how if you added, say, a CNN feed to your reader, you would no longer have to constantly refresh the CNN homepage in order to get the latest news, the news would basically come to you. He even showed how he had added all of my classmate’s blogs to his RSS feed so that he could easily see when one of us had updated. This tidbit amazed them to no end. They stared in awe at his incredible ability to just know when someone has posted without even going to their blog. One woman murmured, “It’s like being a psychic!”. Which, no, it is nothing like being a psychic, otherwise he would know we were going to post before we even did, rendering an RSS feed unnecessary. But who knows- maybe the next wonder of the internet will be Post Predictor, where Bill Gates will use a crystal ball to magically divine when dooce will next be posting and will let us know in advance so we can all log in at the precise moment she hits Publish.
There you go. The Post Predictor: the latest in my series of million dollar ideas. You’re welcome, Microsoft.
Jan
30
V Is For Victory
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Thank you all very much for your well-wishes yesterday. I like to think that it is because of you that WE TOTALLY WON! It was a real nail-biter of a match, too, but in the end we pulled out the big win by exactly one point. I thought we were done for when we spelled “insidious” with a “c” instead of an “s”, but then one of the kids pulled “etymology” from out of nowhere and victory was ours. Sweet, sweet victory. There’s nothing quite like seeing a giant #1 next to my name… errr, the nerdlets names.
In other important news, I also discovered that I had won an award from the lovely and gracious RA; an E for Excellent award! Coincidentally, E also happens to stand for Excited, which is an understatement of how I felt when I learned that such a talented writer as RA enjoys my ramblings. Woot!
The accolades further prove my theory: NPW = Winner. That formula is also loosely based on the fact that in the span of the last week I won a contest held by Poppy and received a charming email from Jess. And did I mention that I received a package last Saturday from Miss Franny that I had completely forgotten was coming? It was a fantastic surprise, made even better by the fact that it contained a paperback copy of Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. For real.
I also still have a few prizes from other contests floating around out there somewhere that should eventually make their way to me. Fortunately I am a patient woman and, as already proven, sometimes collecting a prize is even sweeter when you don’t remember you’re supposed to be getting it. Anyone else out there want to hold a contest? I’m feeling lucky. Additionally I need to hold my own Pass It On or Pay It Forward or Give a Random Whatevs Prize To Some Lucky Reader Contest, as stated in the rules of both Fran’s and Poppy’s contests, and I also need to bestow the E for Excellent award on a few worthy writers. All in good time, my lovelies.
This afternoon I have my two-hour long session in practicing the virtue of patience, otherwise known as 21st Century Technology in the Classroom. I’m sure I will have plenty to recap for you tomorrow but for now I am stuck contemplating two hours of pure tedium and incredulity. I have penciled in Friday as the “Post In Which NPW Edifies Her Readers On The Subject Of Her Many, Many Embarassing Moments”, so keep your fingers crossed that I don’t die of sheer boredom this afternoon.
Jan
29
Where Is the Sea of Galilee? No Idea.
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Quick post today because I am very busy and important. My school is hosting the infamous Quiz Bowl this morning and I am inordinately nervous. What if something goes terribly wrong? What if I forgot to schedule the auditorium? What time should I get the kids down here ready to go? What if I didn’t get enough coffee for the teachers and parents? What should I let my sub do in my absence, since she’s already proven that she can’t even properly check out books and is, in fact, currently reading an American Girl magazine at my desk? But worst of all, what if we get our asses handed to us- again?
No! It can’t happen. We are going to win. We are prepared. I hired a Harvard geography professor to dress as a middle school student and fill in blank continent maps of Africa. (Kidding, Quiz Bowl peeps. Kidding.)
These kids better have studied, is all I’m saying. Wish us luck!
Jan
28
I Have Your Votes and You’re Voting Yes
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The voting for your favorite post idea has now come to a close. Thank you all for your input; it was a close race.
Maybe I should have stipulated that you could only vote for one of the six choices because many of you went the “I want you to write all of those posts! Right now! Do it!” route. Which, great, I’m glad you’re all so enthused, but a girl needs some time to compose her thoughts on each of those highly complex writing assignments. You wouldn’t want a half-assed review of the new Lash Blast mascara, now would you? I thought not.
Unsurprisingly, the clear winner in this contest was post option #1, a montage of NPW’s most embarassing moments. I’m choosing to believe that my readers will be laughing with me and not at me, and I will get to work on that post forthwith. As for the rest of the post options, I wish I could say I organized all your names and votes into a little spreadsheet to show you the breakdown of voting, but that would be an outright lie. It was more like chicken scratches on a post-it note with many scribbles and half of a reminder to sign my observation forms and get them back to my Principal. From two weeks ago. Suffice it to say that in second place we had the riveting tale of my former (evil) best friend, and although that story is a good one (I mean, it’s a bad story, but interesting to tell), I am a bit relieved that I didn’t have to veto that idea after offering it up to you all. Like Noelle said, I’m still a bit too close to it to tell it without being overly harsh and so it is probably best left unwritten for a while longer.
And the rest of the votes were very close. In the end, I think you will all get your wish because frankly I could use any of those post ideas for those days when the most exciting thing I can muster is describing in detail how I played so many hours of Xbox I made myself physically nauseous. Which I did, yesterday. So how about a little photo montage from the weekend?
On Saturday we wanted to pick up some tea from the Asian supermarket so we headed downtown to the Super 88. I found just what I was looking for. Well, sort of.
I also picked some up for Chris.
We grabbed a bite to eat while we were down there.
Kidding!
Oops. Kidding again.
Yeah, that’s it. We had a delicious lunch of Vietnamese Pho and Korean Bibimbab.
Then we did a little grocery shopping. Because obviously we needed ten pounds of dried mushrooms.
And it wasn’t on our list, but how could we resist a random spiny fruit found mixed in with the fish?
After all that asian goodness, we went home and made a Rochester classic: meatball sandwiches with sauce, lettuce, tomato, and onion. Just like DiBella’s. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, people.
And there you have it. A weekend in pictures. Happiest of Mondays to you all.
Jan
25
And I’m Out
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Today I thought I might take the day off from writing on the old blogeroo. I’ve been feeling a little bereft of creativity lately, probably because I have been stressing myself out with the thought that I should be writing more frequently than I currently am. I’ve been toying with the idea of submitting a post to Indie Bloggers because as much as I love comments on my own blog, I also love the idea of writing to an audience that has no preconceived ideas of who I am or what I am like and no way for them to respond. It’s just out there and that’s it. Take it or leave it.
I’ve also been mulling over the idea of submitting some other types of writing to different venues, but just reading all the submission guidelines and rules is frustrating enough to make me feel anxious about it. Plus the uncertainty of getting published does not appeal to my concrete nature; I need to have control. Here I whip something up, hit the Publish button, and keep my fingers crossed that I can amuse a few people a day. I’d have a really hard time not being able to edit and re-edit, respond to comments, or accept even the most helpful of critiques on my writing style, punctuation, or grammar. Maybe that’s not the most productive way to improve my writing but hey, at least I know myself.
It’s also possible that even though I know for a fact I would have gone mad and failed miserably, I am a little disappointed I didn’t try for the Blog365. Not because I think I could write something great every day, oh no, it’s almost certain that if I posted for 365 days in a row that at least 300 of those would be pure crap. It’s just because I blew it off so easily that I think I must be inherently lazy. (But I’m not! I swear! I even posted from my phone once during NaBloPoMo so I wouldn’t miss a day!)
For a post I wasn’t even going to write, this sure is turning out to be a long one. Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? I am calling for a vote. Which of these posts would you most like for me to write sometime in the near future? Or, I suppose more specifically, which of these posts would you most like to read?
1. A montage of NPW’s most embarrassing moments.
2. A photo post, in which readers request photos and I start snapping away with my trusty little Fuji. PG-rated, of course. Oh, fine. PG-13.
3. A post in which you all provide me fine (or ridiculous) activities to do in the greater Boston area and I dutifully report back to you with my findings. Maybe I’ll finally get to go on a Duck Boat Tour.
4. A product review post. A note to all three of my gentleman readers: it will probably be about makeup. This is your fair warning.
5. The story of how my former best friend is really quite a bitch, and seriously, how did I not see it before?
6. The heart-warming tale of my very first concert and my subsequent heartbreak.
7. Got another suggestion? Lay it on me. Please note: even if I do not use your suggestion for a post immediately, I reserve the right to use it at any point in the future when I am feeling especially lacking in the creativity department.
Jan
24
Maybe Baby Jesus Is Just Testing Me
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Yesterday evening I got home after a long day of work and class (more on that in a bit) to find a package from the lovely Stefanie sitting on my doorstep. Well, actually, it was more like jammed between the doors by our idiotic mailman who keeps leaving all mail starting with the number 37 at our house, regardless of the street it’s supposed to be delivered to or the name of the person on the envelope. Because apparently in his mind we are the only number 37 in the entire city of Boston. I don’t know if all the other 37’s mind that they’re missing out on the latest Bed Bath & Beyond coupons, but they might start to worry when they don’t get their latest issue of Vogue or, you know, their tax statements.
I digress. I was excited to open the package even though I knew what it contained- a copy of Special Topics in Calamity Physics. I was hoping Stefanie had signed it- she hadn’t- but she did include a card featuring Jesus playing basketball, which I found hilarious. She definitely gets my vote for best use of the word “sacrilicious” in a hand-written note. So even though Stefanie did not so much enjoy Special Topics I dove right into it. And immediately fell asleep on my couch. Which I have never done. Our couch is of the Ikea functional seating variety and not so much the comfy nap time variety, so needless to say I was a bit surprised when I woke up an hour later with page 4 of Special Topics pressed open under my arm. Not the most promising start, but I am chalking it up to being tired from my wearisome school day and having my patience stretched to the breaking point during my “class”. I’ll give it another go this evening before my book club meeting.
Back to my long day, then. January in school is a bleak time. The days are gray and cold, my skin is perpetually dry and I get wickedly ripped up cuticles from touching books all day, and summer is still a very long way away. Plus January is always followed by February, most hated month of the year, so I have that to look forward to. Anyway, the students are cranky, the teachers are cranky, and in general, work is a cranky place to be. It’s dark when I leave for work and usually dark when I get out of work, so on Wednesdays when I have to spend those extra two hours listening to Darrell the Constipated Duck drone on about hyperlinks can you really blame me for feeling like drilling a hole in my temple and letting my brain puddle on the floor around my classmate’s feet?
This week’s class was, once again, all about creating a link in a blog post. How are we still even working on blog posts, you ask? Because apparently it takes many people SIX FULL HOURS to learn how to highlight a word and add a url. All around me people are asking ridiculous questions about how the links work and to his credit, the teacher finally said “Do you know the specifics of how a car engine works? No. You put the key in and drive it. This is much the same- you do not need to know how the background html is creating your link.” I almost gave a little cheer for him right then but then he went back to singing this little ditty he made up about hyperlinks and my brief moment of not hating him was over.
To make sure we all knew how to create a hyperlink he gave us a few words and told us to find a definition of them and link the word to its definition. Clever, eh? The woman next to me kept sighing and I glanced over to see her blog post. It looked like this:
URLRSSHTMLHTTPHYPERLINK
Then she had highlighted each word and added the url “dictionary.com” to each of them. I started to explain that he was looking for an actual definition for each link, not just a link to a dictionary, but her right eye was twitching in a way that told me to stand down. Even the teacher decided it was best not to point out that a string of unintelligible abbreviations does not make a post.
Probably the least of my concerns should be the fact that we are using Internet Explorer, meaning I always have 8 or 9 windows open at the bottom of my screen, which annoys me to no end when I am used to using tabs. It annoyed me even further, however, to learn that since no one else in the class understood that you could have more than one IE page open at the same time they actually saved their blog post draft, closed Blogger, opened another page to find a link, closed that page, opened Blogger again, and created the link. And since they did all this at the pace of a slug it took them the entire two hour class to create five links. It took me all of three minutes, then I sat and stared at the amazing fashion choices my co-workers had made that day. Let’s just say there were more than one set of Lee Press-On Nails.
I might be concerned that these posts make it seem like I am bragging about my mad computer skills, but seriously: my 18 month old godson knows more about computers than these people. Yes, I know they are trying to learn so they get a little credit, and yes, I understand that I signed up for this class of my own free will. But damn, is it too much to ask that they please not wear sweaters with snowflakes and apples on them?
Jan
23
And The Award Goes To…
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Ever since Kelli wrote this post about Entertainment Weekly’s “Top 25 Movies You Need To See Before Oscar Night” and I realized I had only seen one (one!) of the movies on the list I’ve been on a bit of a movie bender. I mean, it’s unacceptable that the only Oscar contender I have seen is 3:10 to Yuma, even if that one movie was amazing. Please, Academy, don’t strip me of my Movie Buff title! Plus, Chris has been kicking my ass at the Xbox version of Scene It Trivia and you know how I hate to lose.
So okay, not every movie that I’ve watched has been an Oscar nominee. And also, do I really have to see the movie if I’ve already read the book? I know Sean Penn is fab, but seriously, I just read Into the Wild. I can only take so much of the nature/survivor genre before I start to believe I could burn all my money and live solely off the wild Alaskan lands, and I’m sorry, but that is simply laughable. The burning my money part, that is. I could totally hunt bears.
Persepolis? I’ll see you when Netflix has multiple copies and sends one my way. For now, just hang out in my saved queue. Coming of age stories never go out of style, and besides, I just read this book as well.
I’ll save Kite Runner for when I’m in already in a terrible mood, maybe it will give me some perspective. Or maybe it will just make me sob in an inconsolable heap for two hours.
There are also movies I refuse to see; namely, Hairspray. I hate John Travolta’s face for no good reason. I want to slap it. It makes me angry to think of him dancing around in a fat suit and a wig. The commercial trailers alone were enough to make me shut off the TV until I could be sure I would no longer have to witness the absurdity that is Travolta and Zac Efron in a feature length musical film together.
As for La Vie en Rose, I feel it is enough that I can sing three different Edith Piaf songs, in French, off the top of my head. Thank you, high school French class. And while I have nothing against biographies there is only so much room on the proverbial movie-watching plate and a French lounge singer just does not make the cut.
No need to worry, however; over the past two weeks I’ve managed to make a sizeable dent in my Movies To See list. Here they are, listed along with my (very) brief review.
Juno- Loved it. Funny, cute, real.
Waitress- My old fave from Felicity and my forever fave from Firefly? Yes, please!
No Country For Old Men- Bleak. Intensely violent. Very well-done. Bonus: stars the older brother from Goonies. Score!
Cloverfield- WTF with this scary movie? I left the theater feeling like I had just gotten off a two hour long roller coaster. Creepy and pretty damn awesome.
Eagle v. Shark- Charming and bizarre. We couldn’t immediately tell if the characters were meant to be “special” or just strange. Stars the New Zealand dude from Flight of the Conchords, which is also hilarious.
I Am Legend- If you can get past the ridiculousness of the “zombies” in this movie (like say, for example, the fact that they can run up the sides of buildings?!) and just enjoy it for the interesting post-apocalypse New York scenes, it might be okay. But then you see the zombie creatures again and the movie is ruined. Maybe it will win an award for the creepiest use of mannequins in a movie since Kim Cattrell.
Rocket Science- Enjoyed it despite the ending being left wide open.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets- Worse than you’re even imagining it to be.
By all means, let me know what you think. Unless you disagree, then I don’t care what you think.
Kidding! Dissent away. And if you have any suggestions for must-see movies, get them in now before the weather gets above 28 degrees and I decide to do something that doesn’t involve huddling in twelve layers of clothes and three blankets with a mug of tea.
Jan
22
Bidding Adieu
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Probably not the best idea to watch No Country For Old Men and then immediately hop into bed for dream time. I tossed and turned all night and when I got up for work at the sexy hour of 5:30 in the pitch black freezing morning I felt more tired than I had when I went to bed. With that kind of start you know your day is doomed to fail. And yet I soldier on! My bravery knows no bounds.
Anyway, it is with great sadness that I must inform you that the infamous Priscilla, she of the dead hearing aid batteries and racist tendencies, has left my employ. Normally my senior volunteers fulfill the requisite number of hours for the year in order to get their tax break and then I don’t see them again until September when they descend upon my library like a plague. When I bid farewell to Priscilla with a cheery “See you in September!” she fixed a droopy, doleful eye on me and informed me that she had given her house to her daughter and she would no longer need the tax break. She was done with the library. “I will miss you and your wonderful books. It’s been very pleasant here.”
And I had a moment where I felt I would almost miss her, too. I pictured her sad face growing paler and paler in front of the endless parade of infomercials and daytime television. I pictured her living out the last of her numbered days covered in an ancient musty afghan, used tissues littering the floor around her feet. And I saw with a certain clarity how she would waste away without my sunny, orderly library to keep her going.
Then visions of her shuffling laboriously around my pristine library, silently taping up old book covers and muttering under her breath about “those damn Jews” brought me back to my senses. I put on my brightest smile and wished her the best luck in future endeavors. I gently scolded her for not telling me sooner so that I could have a little going away party for her. I told her to stop by and visit if she got a chance. But my very last words to the venerable Priscilla that I called to her as she exited the library for the last time?
“Don’t buy that Miracle Ear! Just make sure you keep your hearing aids charged up!”
Sigh. I ruined a perfectly good farewell buy telling an old woman not to buy products from television. Hell, she’s probably only got a few years left; the woman should buy anything she damn well feels like it. I felt like I should call her back in so I could tell her to disregard my advice, but honestly, I’m pretty sure she didn’t hear me anyway.
Bye bye, Priscilla. Your blog fodder will be missed.
Jan
21
A Day Off. Oh, and Shoes!
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Martin Luther King: not only an amazing civil rights activist and black leader, but also a damn fine reason for a day off. Thank you, Dr. King.
Now that’s out of the way and we can move on to important things. Like shoes! Yes, my lovelies, I bought three pairs of shoes this weekend. Well, technically I bought a pair of snow boots, a pair of sneakers, and a pair of dressy shoes, but I’d hate to bore my male readers any more than strictly necessary. I will say, though, that long ago Chris tried to implement plan “Get NPW To Stop Buying So Many Damn Shoes” by decreeing that I had to throw away one pair of shoes for every new pair I buy. Which I laughed off because really, who throws away shoes? That’s like an act against God. Jesus walked barefoot through the desert, do you think he’d look kindly upon a girl who blithely throws away perfectly good shoes just for the sake of being able to walk through the living room without tripping over one or twelve pairs? Also, one of the pairs is more function over form. Well, okay, they’re also cute, but they’re meant to be tough! And rugged. And… yeah. That’s all I’ve got.
Yesterday we had some people over to watch the football game. I made my special mini pizza bagels (get this: the secret ingredient is oregano!) and some other appetizers and there was beer involved. Afterwards, there may or may not have been a mini-Wii marathon during which I may or may not have yelled “Those bowling pins are BITCHES!”. More than once.
In other news, I am awesome at Wii Tennis.
And now I must look smart and get ready for the day. I am meeting my mother for an important MLK Day lunch and then we are bringing my adorable godson to visit my elderly great-aunt. We’re such do-gooders. Hope you all have a lovely day off, or worst case scenario, you have a decidedly non-boring work day. NPW out.
Jan
18
You Would Cry Too
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Yesterday I got a number of email requests from people dying to see my classmates blogs. I ignored most of those pleas, especially from people like Aaron who would most certainly not be able to contain their glee at such a gold mine of comedic material, but I did email the links to RA so that she could amuse herself during some free time. And also because she swore on her cute little dog’s left paw that she would not share the links with all the world wide web.
Anyway, she put together a hilarious set of quotes directly from said blogs and I thought I would share a little bit of what you are missing by not being in this class with me. Please keep in mind that all of these people hold a Master’s degree or higher:
- OK, I now only try simple things! So far NO Crashes!
- I really do not have much knowledge and practical experience about technology. I am almost an expert when it comes to DirectTV and high definition but other than that I don’t know squat.
- This is my first blog ever. I am a middle age human being who did not have a great day as a teacher. I do not have the impetus to blog often. I find them potentially very damaging and dangerous.
- I have the smallest amount of patience when it comes to dealing with my own self.
- I have received my masters degree in Educational and Informational Technology but don’t feel confident enough in myself to ever teach a course using computers.
- But my favorite comes from a comment on your class blog: “I’m definitely behind the ape ball.” I hate that darn ape ball.
RA also very much enjoyed the insanely scary picture of our teacher, which he had graciously posted on his own blog. His unibrow alone makes me want to write in to that Lifetime makeover show. And also, he walks like a duck. A constipated duck.
Moving on, does anyone have any big, exciting plans for the weekend? No? Yeah, me neither. I am going to see Cloverfield this afternoon (Chris and I love Friday afternoon matinees- apparently, we are a 70 year old couple). The movie could either be mind-blowing or mind-numbing. I requested something a little more light-hearted, like There Will Be Blood, but I guess the reviews of Cloverfield have been glowing so I’m willing to give it a shot. But if it has a stupid M. Night Shamallama ending I will be supremely disappointed. Yeah, remember Lady in the Water? Suck it, M. Night.
And after the midday movie, I have just about zero plans for the weekend. Which could be good; I have a whole lot of Wii playing to catch up on and only about eleven months of playing time before I become that thirty-year old woman who spends her weekends playing video games and drinking liters of Mountain Dew. Eww. Mountain Dew.